My wife has recently had a face job, paid for by the richest most powerful brewers in Belgium..
Stella..

Since the Wife left with the kids I feel as lonely as a Walkers crisp.

Given the price of food now think i'm gonna be a veggie, by that I mean no meat, ..........not in a coma

Nearly got kicked out of McDonald's today... There was a fit girl who asked me if I wanted to go large for 30p so I told her "you've already done that, I'll give you a 1 to finish me off"

To an optimist, the bag is 1/32 full.
To a pessimist, the bag of Walkers crisps is 31/32's empty.
To an engineer, the bag is 32 times as big as it needs to be.

My nan accidentally made a trifle with KY jelly.
It didn't taste very nice but it went down well.

I read in a magazine that if you sit in a sauna for 30 minutes, you will lose 600 calories in sweat.
I really hate saunas though, so instead, I've been putting my Big Mac and chips in there for half an hour before I eat it.

I've never been any good at making pancakes.
I think it's because I don't give a toss.

My mate said 'Someone needs to eat the last tortilla or I'll get in trouble'.
So I took the wrap for him.

I said to one of my dinner guests, "What do you think to the horseradish sauce?"
He said, "It certainly tastes unique. Did you make it yourself?"
I said, "I did... I got the radishes from Asda. The horse proved to be a bit more tricky though."

I went for a curry last night and ran out of the curry house without paying, when i got back home i was on the toilet for hours. That's bad korma.

I'd heard that the steak served at Stringfellows is the best you can get, so I decided to try one.
What arrived at my table was gristly, oily and tasteless.
I said "Hi Peter. Where's my steak?"

I've just tried my first Mountain Dew and I struggle to see what all the hype is about.
Licking Ben Nevis really didn't give me the sugar rush I was expecting,

I drank a Red Bull earlier.
Afterwards, I noticed that on the back of the can it says that it "Improves the emotional state".
I'm glad.

Dear Redbull,
At what stage should i be able to fly?
regards
Ostrich

What's the difference between a fat bird and a kebab?
One has salad and the other is a fat bird.

After sharing a mixed grill at a racecourse with my wife. We thought we'd go and place a few bets.
When our stakes came up on the first race. We decided, we won't be eating here again.

When your cup of tea is more crunchy than your corn flakes, you know it's probably time to de-scale your kettle.

I've always eaten my food in a military fashion, shuffling the vegetables in the middle, within a mash potato wall, surrounded with a gravy moat ..
There's no escapeas on my watch.

My local supermarket goes to extreme lengths to ensure the freshness of their products. The dairy section consists of a cow in a fridge.

My new girlfriend said " I don't like guys who drink too much".
"Don't worry" I replied "I can't remember the last time I had a drink"
I have blackouts.

My stupid blind son has been stuffing his face all morning.
I had to lead him over to the Turkey.

Apparently McDonalds won't be serving any Under 18's due to worsening obesity problems.
In other news, KFC have banned black people from entering their outlets.

Walkers are now doing an "Extra Fill" bag which means you get 30% extra crisps
if you're not very good with numbers that means you get an extra 3 crisps

Her bright pink lips were dripping wet, she was sweating all over her body, making noises i've never heard before. You could see how strong the sensation was by just by looking at her face.
I love watching girls do the Chilli challenge.