After sharing a mixed grill at a racecourse with my wife. We thought we'd go and place a few bets.
When our stakes came up on the first race. We decided, we won't be eating here again.

What's the difference between a fat bird and a kebab?
One has salad and the other is a fat bird.

Dear Redbull,
At what stage should i be able to fly?
regards
Ostrich

I drank a Red Bull earlier.
Afterwards, I noticed that on the back of the can it says that it "Improves the emotional state".
I'm glad.

The steak I had for dinner just melted in my mouth.
Probably should've defrosted it first.

Whats Maddie McCanns favourite Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavour?
Phish Food!

My wife asked me to name my top Walkers Sensations.
1) Emptiness
2) Disappointment

Why do 5 pints of milk take longer to go through your body than 5 pints of Foster's?
Foster's doesn't have to change its colour.

Two crisps are walking along a road. A man stops his car and asks them if they want a lift.
"No thank you" replied one of the crisps.
"Oh let, me guess, you're Walkers?" replied the man.
"No" said the other crisp, "It's just you're black, and we value our lives."

I knew a vegan who ran a 100% organic and ethical vegetable growing company. It wasn't a great business venture for him, though.
He only took home a small celery.

I've just decided to boycott Tesco, I found out that they sell fruit that has been picked in a war torn country and used to fund illegal activities.
They've even got the nerve to boast about it on the packet: Blood Oranges.

"I consider myself truly fortunate to be in the company of such a wonderful woman" I said, reaching across and taking her hand. "You look ravishing my dear, and that outfit suits you so well. Look at us! Fate has thrust us together and we can dance on love's outstretched arm tonight. The food, the atmosphere, the music. It's so perfect. What say you?"
"Er what drink do you want with your Chicken Legend and can I have my hand back?"

I love putting corriander on my blended tomato dinner.
Its soup herb.

I see Walkers have brought out a range of crisps called 'extra fill packets'.
Or as everyone else calls them 'full bags'.

Apparently there is a type of Currant, that when you eat it makes you come out in a blotchy rash.
I might Raisin Awareness Group.

I've found that alcohol is very good at removing warts and pimples.
Not from me... From whoever I'm looking at.

I rang Tony's pizza shop earlier.
I said, "Hi there, I was reading your menu and it says, if you don't deliver to me within the hour my pizza is free?"
He said, "That's correct."
I replied, "Right, I'll have a giant meat feast then please."
He said, "Certainly sir, can I ask where you live?"
I said, "Yeah, Alaska."

You can eat your dinner off the toilet in my house, it's that clean.
Although I wouldn't serve you anything my wife had cooked...
...now that would be disgusting.

I asked my missus to turn me on by eating something seductively, Running her tongue around a pork pie wasn't what I had in mind.

Some teenagers standing outside the offfie asked me to buy them some booze this evening.
They weren't impressed when I took their twenty quid and bought them a bag of wine gums.

I've started smoking 'Camels'. Strange, normally when I smoke I fancy a drink.

In bed with the wife when she asked if I fancied a 69 and she looked shocked when I said no.
"Last time you got rasberry sauce and hundreds and thousands everywere so forget it" I said.

To begin with I tease, slowly peeling back the skin and sucking gently on the tip. The sensation in my mouth is incredible. As I lick up and down the long fleshy shaft a sudden urge overcomes me. I cannot resist, I need it all in my mouth now! It is not long before I feel a warm stickiness melting in my mouth, stimulating my taste buds. Hungry for more I swallow every last drop.
Bananas: How do you eat yours?

Today: world curry festival
Tomorrow: world diarrhoea festival

Last night, hot words flew between us. She threw alphabet soup in my face.