My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with paranoia.
But u can't take any notice of him, he's always had it in for me.

I got up this morning and ran around the block 4 times! Then I got tired, so I picked it up and put it back in the toy box!

Recent research suggests that a three minute burst of intense activity once a week could give noticeable benefits in fitness and weight loss.
That's all very well but some of us are married.

My doctor told me that I'm chronically unfit and I need to start doing an activity at least three times a week that gets my heart pumping and brings me out in a sweat.
Snorting cocaine it is then.

Just heard that there is going to be "training for Mars" thats one way to get obese people to exercise.

I was shocked to realise I had lost two stones when I was at weight watchers the other day
I bought four at the offy - a couple must have fell out the carrier on the way

My wife has just done a 2 year stretch.
She takes her exercise far too seriously.

I tried reading the sun the other day, cost me a fortune in laser eye surgery afterwards

You know you have a drug problem when you use the talk to frank booklet as a catalogue.

I don't understand why so many people want to go to the gym to get "big"
Surely McDonald's is the better place to go

Jonas Screw, the famous human-drain cleaner who worked for Dynorod for 40 years, was taken to hospital after he nearly drowned when stuck upside down in a manhole.
Doctors said he was still critical, but said he would still pull through!

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Smith, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

I was leaving a bar the other day, when a fat bird walked through the door before me, being reasonble I let her through. She gave me the eye and said "Awww thankyou, what a gentleman". I then replied "I only done it because we both wouldn't have fit through the door at the same time".

I phoned up my physiotherapist earlier to get advice on new exercises.
'Whats the best way to do chin-ups?' I asked.
'Hang on a minute...'
'Cheers,' I said and hung up.

My New Year's resolution was to get personal trainers for me and my wife.
It.seems silly to share a pair when our feet are completely different sizes.

I love those new Dyson hand dryers. From now on I'm definitely gonna start washing my hands when I've been to the toilet.

Athletico Madrids Colombian Striker is what Carlos Tevez would have looked like if he hadn't had his face set on fire and then put out with a rusty frying pan.

Ever since I started using Garnier Fructis fortifying shampoo I've been intimidated by my hair because it's healthier & stronger than I am.

I was speaking to my blonde sister the other day whilst watching Maury.
As we both were watching a morbidly obese woman come onto the set, I said to her ''that fat woman makes me feel like throwing up''.
She looked at me disgusted, and yelled ''don't be racist!''
I laughed at her stupidity, then turned to her and said, ''They don't matter, even if fat people were a race, they'd lose anyway''.

I saw a woman at the gym who was looking a bit bewildered.
I walked over and said "Hi, you must be new".
She laughed and said "Is it so obvious?"
"Yes" I replied "You're seriously out of shape".

My wife went to the doctor to ask for a facial surgery. He told her he'd make a 40% discount if she brings the dynamite herself.

Its not nice to make fun of people in wheelchairs, my dad's got a wheelchair...
He nicked it off a crippled child

An obese guy was asked "why are you so fat?"
He replied "because ((-1)/64)".

The main issues with making your own toothpaste are finding a strong enough blender, and enough teeth that people don't need.

My girlfriend is getting a bit chubby, so I've bought her some running gear so she can go jogging.
And I can change the locks.