The brain is the most outstanding organ.It works non-stop,from the time you're born until....you fall in love.

Dawn French was dropped twice as a baby.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of fat.

There is currently one thing which prevents me from going to Fat Fighters.
The front door.

I'm sick of people telling me I'm a weakling so tonight I went to the gym.
After a light warm up, I steadied myself, put both hands on the metal bar and heaved with all my might. I strained and I strained but still, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it to budge.
Eventually one of the burly staff members came over and said... "Stop pulling on the door mate, we're closed."

Good health is just the slowest way to die.

"Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air." I actually tried this action. It was only after I cut off my hands that I realised I could no longer throw them.

So I was talking to one of those health gurus the other day and he said to me,
"Well, you eat too much, drink too much and sleep too much. To lose some weight you need to do more exercise."
"Don't be an idiot," I replied. "If I do more exercise then I'll be more hungry, more thirsty and more tired."

When you get out of bed in the morning, can you count that as a situp?

When you bust open a packet of soothers suddenly everyone has a bad throat

To all those who have sponsored me to run the Great North Run to raise money for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness.
I've decided not to run; I'm a bit tired and can't really be bothered.

Self-harm jokes aren't funny. But if you do happen to make one, don't beat yourself up over it...

I went to get my body waxed yesterday, they did a really bad job.
Oh well I should have gone to pecshavers.

My white friend called his black fitness instructor a slave driver the other day!
Is it just me or does anyone else see the irony here?

I've found it a lot easier to pick up women since I've been going to the gym.
Sometimes I even challenge myself with a fat one.

Owen Hargreaves signing a 'pay as you play' contract makes you think he'd be better off just signing on.

What do you get if you drop a bag of Maltesers at a Weight Watchers meeting?
A real life game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

I have a friend who is always being taunted because he is fat.
I asked him how he doesn't get upset by all the nasty remarks, and he said he takes it on the chin.
I wonder which chin he takes it on?

I was standing in the bus queue the other day behind a pregnant lady.
Trying to appear friendly, I asked her, "When are you due?"
It was then that I realised that she wasn't pregnant, just really fat, but luckily I managed to cover my tracks by adding, "...for another snack?"

My Grandad always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day, while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my Grandad.

My blood test results said my blood had zero antigens.
I thought that must be a typo.