I was thrilled when I heard about InPrivate browsing. I've cleared my history so many times it's forgotten who the Romans are.

I've just invented a time machine and I'm using it to steal money from everybody in the past.
It's part of my campaign to make history poverty.

That's me off to Germany on holiday; Superior beer and overall a more superior people.
Well, according to this 1936 tour guide.

One day, a French spy received a coded message from a M16 British agent. It read: S370HSSV_0773H.
The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his similarly clueless boss, who forwarded it to Russia.
The Russians couldn't solve it either so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during WWll from the Brits, suggested turning it upside down.

If history has taught us anything, it's about things that happened in the past.

There's a plaque on the deck of HMS Victory where Nelson fell.
I'm not surprised he fell, that plaque's right where people are walking.

Bonfire night parties.
Making it Ok to be drunk and in charge of explosives since 1605.

In a History lesson today, the teacher asked us what we thought was the most horrific war ever.
Apparently ' The Battle of Isengard' was not a valid answer.

I like queuing, my dad likes queuing, my grandad loved queuing.
What I'm saying is I come from a long line of people who like queuing.

Famous Last Words
Anne Boleyn: "Henry! I am NOT giving you head!"

In 2000 years time, historians studying the national census will think we murdered all the Jedi.

I've never understood how Ireland managed to have a "Potato Famine".
That's not a famine. That's just living without potatoes and having extra portions of carrots for a while.

They say we should never meet our heroes.
What a relief, mine died 67 years ago.

I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.
I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

Why are the all the best tales and moments of the past known as History?
Because we have no reason to pay attention to her-story..

You have to admit that the ingenuity and inventiveness of the human race is nothing short of astounding. Look how far we have come.
At one time early humans were nomads just walking around naked. Then they invented clothes and learned to build dens in which to live.
Then we discovered the wheel and learned how to make tools. Then came farming and organised civilisations.
Eventually we had the industrial revolution and machinery. Then we learned to fly and invented TV and radio.
Then computers that were quicker than any human brain.
Then came the invention of the internet, the super highway of information that enables people all over the world to sit and watch other people er... walking around naked.

In the early 1940's, Europe had no videogames, Internet or TV.
Thank God we had Germany to keep us occupied

Why is it better to be a bad joke on sickipedia than one of the 228 people who have gone missing on the Air France flight?
At the very least, a bad joke on sickipedia can expect to be buried.

After failing to get my degree in history, I've decided to move to the US and try again over there.
That should cut the amount I need to learn by at least 80%.

"What's done cannot be undone."
They obviously didn't have shoelaces in Shakespeare's day.

When looking through my movies, I decided that more often than not, sequels are not as good as the original,
Then I thought, "You know what, There is definitely one that breaks that rule..."
World War 1 was OK, but WWII : Death of the Jews was much better!

Jews really need to stop complaining about the holocaust and look on the bright side
Think of how much money they saved by only needing one way train tickets

When people ask me what my Granddad did during the war, I tell them he was a deserter. He was actually a pastry chef but I think deserter sounds much more wind swept and interesting.

Archaeologists have discovered a toilet which they believe to be constructed between 700 and 600 BC. Even back then plumbers took their time.

I'm not saying the wife buys too many shoes,
but people keep mistaking our house for a Holocaust museum.