I'm just back from vacation in Ireland and i've bought a souvenir. It was quite expensive but i think 99 euros for Dublin was worth the money.

I stayed in a really posh hotel. On the back of the door the sign read "In case of fire Gentlemen are required to wear smoking jackets."

My mate said to me: Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?
I said: Cors-i-can

Right. Time to turn the festive energy saving lights on. They'll be ready by Christmas.

I can't wait to take the kids trick-or-treating for the first time today!
I just hope we don't knock on their parents house by mistake.

I look forward to Christmas time every year.
It's a perfect opportunity to get kids on my lap with no questions asked.

Does anyone else find it disturbing that Americans spend the most money on new things the day after they say they're grateful for what they already have?

I'm a drug tourist.
I never actually go anywhere, I just sit at home, get stoned and wait for the hallucinations of exotic foreign travel to kick in.

There was a sign outside my hotel in Warsaw:
"English, French, Spanish, German, Russian and Italian spoken here."
I tried to make myself understood in several of those languages, without success. In the end, using broken Polish, I asked one of the waiters to tell me who actually spoke all the languages on the sign.
"Only the guests," he said.

Went on holiday to Australia last week & I was asked at customs whether I had a criminal record
"Didn't know it was still compulsory" I replied.

I booked a flight the other day and the lady said, " What side do you want to sit on" and I said " The inside"

Booked myself a holiday in Spain today.
Should've just used a travel agent in England, took me ages to get here.

I hate the school holidays.
It's only 9o'clock in the morning and there's kids playing football in the street already.
I wish they would go find something better to do,and let me drink my beer in peace.

My friend bungee jumped off Blackpool pier.
I was quite impressed.
I would not dare go to Blackpool.

When we get back from being abroad on holiday. My wife always
reminds me of a christmas decoration.
Round, red, shiny and covered in cheap gold.

My wife came home and told me that she had booked us a holiday and it would involve getting on a plane in two weeks.
She added, "I know how excited you can get but do try not to show me up."
I didn't have time to be annoyed with her comment as I only had 13 sleeps and I needed to pack.

Me and the wife were going on holiday for a week. When we were packing she turned to me and said "Why don't we pack each other's suit cases?"
I said "Okay sounds fun." When we got ourselves checked into the hotel we were staying at, I opened my suitcase to find 3 pairs of speedos, a few tank tops and 2 pairs of sandals. "Very funny" I said.
My wife opened hers to find a one way ticket back to England.

For my Wifes Xmas I booked us a weeks holiday in Sharm el Sheikh.
As a wee extra I've just signed her up for a 1 week intensive Scuba Diving course.

You know there's nothing in this world that makes me feel quite as happy as when I told my kids that we where going to disneyland for our holidays this year
It's not the excitement in their faces or how happy they where, it was the total devestation when I told them it was disneyland paris

A word of warning to women, if you don't want to spend 2 weeks in the desert, sleeping inside a dead camel.
then don't ask us to book a honeymoon while watching bear grylls!

"ive just booked a trip around the world for our anniversary" i told my wife
"cant we go somewhere else ?" she asked

In the coming New Year, both Groundhog Day and the American State of the Union address will occur on the same day. It's an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which they look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.

They say Santa can't come while you're awake. He didn't seem to have that problem when I sat on his knee when I was 8...

My drugs councillor has suggested that a holiday would strengthen my will power and reduce my anxiety.
AMSTERDAM...Here I come!

I'm extremely proud of my wife after successfully swimming the Channel.
I was with her all the way, shouting my support from the boat through a megaphone.
I'm just sorry I couldn't afford a second ferry ticket.