My wife was involved in a car crash today. She said it was the most terrifying experience of her life
she's clearly never sat there trying to remember if she's deleted her Internet history before someone else uses the computer
I saw a group on Facebook called 'Holding on is tough, much tougher than letting go or simply quitting.'
Is this talking about relationships or taking a dump?
I am never using ebay again! just received my 'black and white' printer, thieving seller never gave me any white ink!
I keep trying to convince my friend to use Google's Instant Search, but he is not moved by my arguments.
Jokes on him though. He is wasting on average 0.3 seconds of his life every time he searches for something.
Man asks the librarian if she's got any books on marriage vows. she says " I do"
Bill Gates just started a chain of restaurants.
Customer: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your support staff. May I please have your telephone number, and address? Your visit may be monitored for training purposes. Now, please tell me your problem.
Customer: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Please exit the restaurant and re-enter through the front entrance. Is the fly still there?
Customer: Yes, the fly is still in my soup
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the spoon. Try ladling with the other hand
Customer: Whichever hand I use to spoon the soup, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Customer: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: It looks like a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Customer: Your colleague brought the bowl on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: What was the last thing you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Customer: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Customer: You have more than one Soup of the Day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every 10 minutes.
Customer: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is mushroom.
Customer: OK , I'll try the mushroom soup
Waiter: Here is your soup of the day.
Customer: This is celery soup.
Waiter: Yes, the mushroom soup is still in beta testing.
Old Habits...
Apparently on the internet, advertising companies can monitor your browsing and generate adverts to suit.
It works for me, I keep getting directions to the nearest playground.
You know you have no true place in society when your joke gets deleted from Sickipedia for being "too racist".
So the owners of pirate bay are inprison for 1 year for breaching copyright laws but the site is still running perfectly fine.
Thats like me going to prison for stealing a car but when im inside my wife can use it to get to work?
I've just seen the Facebook page;
"If you saw me in the back of a police car what crime would you think I had committed?"
Nice to see Facebook have made a page for black users.
I've just donated 3 to the NSPCC.
So far Pikachu, The Powerpuff Girls, Donald Duck and the Care Bears have donated nothing.
Seeing the video of that horrible woman on the train, I can't express how much of an awful influence on her child and a disgrace to Great Britain she is.
I can't believe she was sitting in an aisle seat when there was a empty seat next to her!
1880: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook.
Tip- If you ever murder someone, and need to dispose of the body, I have the perfect place to hide it- Page 2 of Sickipedia's "New Jokes Today." No-one ever looks there!
Barenaked Ladies is a Juno-winning and Grammy-nominated Canadian alternative rock band. Whose music I love with songs such as 'Pinch Me' and 'Underage'
And thats why those searches are on my computer your Honour.
The last 24 hours with Sickipedia being closed for maintenance have been the worst of my year so far.
And my baby son died on new year's day, I never even had any material for the funeral.
A man walks into a library and asks, "Have you got the Sickipedia joke book?"
The librarian replies, "Yes, we have all the volumes! I wouldn't bother reading the lot though, all the jokes are basically the same, just worded differently."
I was dumping my old sofa in the park. A policeman said 'Are you aware that's fly tipping?', I said 'Thanks, blood'.
Top Tip:
Sickipedians, if you didn't go online the previous day and wish for a brief overview of the jokes read the Daily Star 'Jokes' in today's newspaper.
80% will have come from Sicki.
So Fernando Torres has finally got a twitter account. I wonder what took him so long....
Probably couldn't find the net.
The moment you know Sickipedia has truly corrupted your soul:
When you see the headline "Rapist who murdered mother and girl jailed for 32 years" and try to think of a joke about it.
Why can I remember an obscure duplicate joke on here from a year ago but cannot remember to notice my wife's new haircut when I see her?
Guess it's all about priorities...
After reading some terrible spelling mistakes on Sickipedia, I suggest that some of the contributors should try and improve their spelling by going to school with their girlfriends.
A recent study shows that 3 out of 10 teens chat with strangers online.
The other 7 teens actually have friends.
I'm sick of seeing all these children's TV cartoons set as every ones display picture on Facebook.
I see enough of Pingu and Rosie and Jim when my girlfriend gets her choice of what to watch on TV.
