Twitter: the only time you should get excited about being followed

My wife said she is leaving me because I spend too much time online
#mustbethattimeofthemonth

The internet,
where the trolls are men, the men are kids, the kids are cops, and the girls are confused teenaged boys.

I really don't understand EBay. I've got valuable items on there that don't get a bit of interest, but some tatty old pictures of me as a kid in the bath has already got 6 bids.

15- the amount of times i will smack someone in the face if they inbox me a number on facebook.

I've just read that Instagram is down. My friends will just have to describe what they're having for lunch instead...

My wife says that getting married is the best feeling in the world.
She's obviously never posted a joke on Sickipedia, then get called away immediately to return in 4 hours and find out that it is showing on the front page of Todays' Best Jokes.

The new google chrome opens up a list of the websites you visit most when you want a new tab.
Double the reason to make sure you delete your history.

I don't believe in all these internet conspiracy theories.
I think they were put there by aliens to confuse us.

I always leave my browser open on a jokes website.
Just in case my internets down.

I feel sorry for the person who writes those Wikipedia pages.
I bet teachers never accept his homework.

BBC News : Internet safety for children targeted
The lessons are one element of a new government strategy being unveiled called "Click Clever, Click Safe".
I have changed my user name to CleverSafe...Now I can just sit back and wait for the kids to come to me.

It's said that if we don't heed the lessons from history, then we are destined to repeat the same mistakes.
Not me! I always make sure I clear mine, ever since the wife read my last one.

OMG Try this it really works!
Copy and paste this on to 10 different websites and absolutly nothing happens!
I've done it and it really works - nothing happens - its amazing!

I've just logged into Sickipedia for the first time, it's brilliant, I've never laughed so much in my life .......
....... well not since my wife died anyway !

Honestly , you can tell when you have your priorities wrong and no life.
You dread the day "Database Latency" and " Youtube is down for maintenance" happen together.

Twitter has unfortunately led to the propagation of a whole new range of virulent computer viruses.
Many of them are untweetable.

I have 370 friends on facebook.
80 of my friends like "glee".
I have 290 friends on facebook now.

There's a new website for people from Norfolk to trace their family history and build a family tree based on the results. It's called incestry.com. It's a shame they don't have the opposable thumbs to use it.

whoever says patience is the key to success, must never had experienced a slow internet connection

Note to self, always delete internet history before giving a presentation at work, especially if you have to go to youtube during to expand on a point.
Bit late for parents evening but next time I'll remember

I was really excited when I heard about the Sickipedia app for the iPhone, iPod touch etc.
But being an honest guy I can't download it, as it says that the content must only be viewed by persons over 17 years old.
It's a shame, really, I'm in my late 30's but I share my iPad with my girlfriend.

Helpful hint #1
When arranging to meet a girl from the internet, who "spreads 'em easily"....
Make sure she doesn't mean diseases.

I just got banned from the Apple store.
That's the last time I ever listen to those " Shoot 5 iPads And Win " ads.

My girlfriend has just called me 'sick' after walking in on me on Sickipedia,
what would she have called me if she'd walked in 5 minutes earlier?