Why do people feel the need to lie about their achievements to strangers on the internet?
Then again, if I hadn't invented the microchip and penicillin maybe I'd lie too.

I have just told iTunes that I've read and agreed to their Terms Of Service when I actually haven't! I've never felt more alive!!

The problem with the Internet is that I'm becoming hardened to acts of extreme violence.
Yesterday whilst out shopping I got an erection watching a tramp being beaten up.

My cousin said having both parents die in a car crash was the most depressing thing that's ever happened to her.
She's obviously never got her hopes up after posting a joke on Sickipedia, having it voted up a few times in the first couple of minutes, only to find it's been buried when you refresh the page 5 minutes later.

What have illegal downloads and very wet weather got in common?
Torrents shall reign.

The No1 search on Yahoo! at the moment is David Beckham.
I think I might be able to help there... he's in Finland.

The inventor of the progress bar managed to do 99% of it really quickly, but the last bit took him ages.

Look PartyPoker, I only have 2 hands and frankly you're demanding too much of them.

"When a girl is silent, thats pretty dangerous. Shes either overthinking, tired of waiting, about to blow, lonely, needs a hug, falling apart or crying inside. and most probably all of those above.." - A facebook group quite obviously written by a girl. Had it been written by a bloke it would read "When a girl is silent, you know she's either unconcious, has finally learnt her place in life, or has been so badly beaten for talking out of place she can't quite walk or talk yet. and most probably all of those above.."

I joined a dating website for people with STDs and now I'm being asked how I became such a Casanova.
Being positive is key, I say.

Internet dating and text messaging has changed my life.
I used to date girls with standards; now I date girls with STDs.

Just seen this Facebook group: I love it when in the middle of our kiss I can feel you smiling.
I personally love it when I can feel them trying to shout and scream.

Whilst downloading a 4GB movie in only 5 mins, I have the right to say my internet is pretty fly for a WiFi.

Yesterday i was looking through the app store for something to help me light a candle..
It just kept telling me 'No matches found.'

So, you don't even have to be friends with people to poke them on facebook now.
If only real life were like this.
Oh, wait. I'm Tiger Woods. Real life IS like this

I think if Microsoft changed there search engine to Bang, a lot more people would start using it.
"I just banged Cheryl Cole."

I bought a print copy of a newspaper this morning.
I didn't get a chance to go on the Internet yesterday so I thought I'd better catch up.

"Not everything on the internet is true..."
Wait, so you mean there's not beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?

You know you've been staring at your ex-girlfriend's Facebook picture for to long when you think: 'Did she just blink?'.

My latest business venture is a online agency for Comedy Club MC's.
It's called "MarketTheCompere.com"

My mother always used to tell me that anything new I come across makes me wiser person. This would include anything I read, any person I interact with, and anything I experience in life. I actually believed her until I read Youtube comments.

Do You ever wonder why?,
all these young Girls on facebook pose and look away in pictures,
with a saucy cheeky look on there faces???.
Thats because Im at the window trying to get in.

The new website: police.uk
Type in your postcode and find out how many scousers live in your area.

I was thinking of posting a joke on here about the World Wide Web
Then I realised people who didn't have the internet wouldn't get it

I'm the victim of one of those e-mail scams from Africa.
I gave them my bank details hoping for 10 million quid but all they do is take 2 quid a month.