If god doesnt have a sense of irony, how come the owner of the segway company fell off and died?

Today my girlfriend told me that I was becoming rather nerdy.
So I falcon punched her.

My wife told me she's leaving be because i never say anything to her face
Needless to say, the text i sent her when she left was an angry one.

One of those injury lawyer campaigners distracted me today in town and I walked into a lamp post.
I'm now making him sue himself for me.

Ironic - The only time you want your wife to open her mouth she "has an headache"....

Whenever a group I like post something there's always a race to be the first to post and people always say "first"
How childish can you get?
And don't they know
first the worst
Second the best
Third the one with a hairy chest

so animal rights activist who believe all animals shouldnt be harmed want to murder a woman for putting a cat in a bin?

BBC News: Fears over paedophile's history
Well you wouldnt expect their computer to be filled with the nicest of things...

The definition of irony
Risk, the great board game of war being invented by the Frenchman Albert Lamorisse.

The postman handed me a letter this morning and said "I've spent twenty minutes trying to find your house, just so I could give you this letter!"
I said, "you should have just posted it."

I was in an English exam and one of the questions was 'Write a sentence in the past conditional tense'. I had no idea what the 'past conditional' tense was!
If only I'd revised.

My mate bought me a dictionary because I didn't understand Irony.
Yet when I went to look for the definition, it wasn't there.

I don't see the problem with the NHS.
Probably 'cos I'm still waiting for my cataract operation.

What is the difference between a market trader and a sausage dog?? A market trader bawls out his wears on the pavement..

I was watching 'Worlds most dangerous drivers' yesterday...
On my in car TV

My mate was going to book the transfer deadline day off work so he could watch Sky Sports News.
Then he realised he supports Everton.

I'll never forget what my old grandad told me. 'If a story is worth telling, it's worth exaggerating'. That was just after he had single handedly won the second world war.

I don't get when you see this "Please be aware all chat is logged for data protection purposes. "
Wouldnt it make sense, if you don't log the chat then there's not data to protect??

I keep trying to convince my friend to use Google's Instant Search, but he is not moved by my arguments.
Jokes on him though. He is wasting on average 0.3 seconds of his life every time he searches for something.

I always watch my films online.
That way I don't have to sit though those god-awful piracy warnings.

Carlsberg don't make a decent beer. If they did, I wouldn't drink Stella and the wife wouldn't be nursing two black eyes this morning.....
....Probably.

BBC: 'Sorry about this, there is a problem with the sound. In the meantime here is some music'
Oh the irony...

Kinda ironic that a 12 year old boy will be performing at Michael Jackson's farewell ceremony

I once said to my son, 'You never get anything in life for free'.
He laughed at me and said, 'What about that piece of advice you idiot!'
So I went over and took his wheelchair.

a mate of mine told me i didnt get sarcasm then complimented me on my nice yellow teeth