I've just woke up to the news that my next door neighbour has strangled his wife, killed his two kids and hung himself. I'm shocked to the core and absolutely gutted.
I was going to borrow his barbecue today.

After hearing The FA comment on David Bentley's drink driving ban, it gave me the idea that they are against footballers drinking alcohol.
So why do they have the Carling Cup?

I hate these muppets that copy jokes & never think for themselves but still want the credit for it.
6 minutes ago via status shuffle.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

BBC NEWS:"Secure hospital 'was left unlocked' "
So its not secure then?

A friend told me that he's scared of dwarfs.
I asked him if he's also scared of normal people when they're far away.

Irony = "We're making a stand against mindless music by buying Rage Against the Machine like we were told to do."

My wife says that I'm too sceptical of everything she tells me.
But I doubt that.

Got my own back today!
Had to paint some lines for the car park at the toaster factory.
Made them all just a little bit to small to fit a car in.

The uk has been named the fifth laziest nation in the world. I have got good reason why this isn't true.
I would tell you - but I can't be bothered.

My wife said I'm really patronising to her all the time. I asked her for one time when this was true.
She thought about it for a while and said "Ummm...What's a good example?"
I replied "Something that clearly denotes an occasion when you can reference your argument with an affirmed point."

Sky News: Libya Plane Crash Survivor Flies Home
"I bet he was looking forward to that flight?"

BBC News: '2,400 jobs are to be axed as a result of Jobcentre Plus office closures.'
''Staff will be offered jobs elsewhere'', said the Minister for Irony.

Reggae star Beenie Man has given an interview to MTV News, in which he describes his struggle to achieve success in Europe, having had an uphill fight against racism and bigotry inherent in the music industry.
His new single, 'Burn De Battyman' is released on Monday.

The would be suicide bomber on the american flight on christmas day failed to blow up the plane, but his actions have made airports worldwide introduce the new Full Body Scanners that see you naked.
So while he failed to murder white people for their perversions and what not, he succeeded in allowing us unlimited access under all those burkhas.
Poetic Justice, I think you would agree.

I really don't understand trailer parks; you buy a caravan or mobile home, then you take it then you park it and you'll never move it again. It's like buying an iPod and nailing it onto your table.

Well annoyed that loads of places will be closed just because of the Royal Wedding, which we are paying for with our taxes.
Means I have to wait till Monday now to collect my jobseekers allowance.

Manchester City are set to rename their stadium to 'The Etihad Stadium', which translates to....
'The United Stadium'
Fail.

It's a little ironic that we're getting so many 'PC' jokes on the most politically incorrect website on the internet.

Civil aviation is making miracles: your breakfast in Rome, your lunch in London, your dinner in New York, your luggage in Bangladesh.

The definition of irony: The one night you don't check under the bed for the bogeyman, he gets you while your parents are out eating tapas.
Hey, I resent being called the boogeyman

Ironically, the further forward you move the car seat because you're short, the taller you have to be to reach the seatbelt

'It's like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife'
That's not irony, that's a prison canteen

I possess a colossal aversion towards individuals who utilise unnecessarily elongated formal lexis since they appear supercilious whereas, in veracity, they are tremendously inferior to the archetypal populace.

The emblem for the New Zealand Airforce is a kiwi bird in a circle.
Well done New Zealand, your emblem for the airforce is a flightless bird.