I was walking my dogs through the woods today , when I came across a man tying a rope with a noose to the branch of a tree.
" Everything all right mate ? " I asked.
" Fine " , he replied.
It's good we live in such a civilised country.

With red, pouting lips, an enrapturing smile that brought you in, deep blue eyes which transfixed you and a body which looked like that of a goddess, Lucy had a beauty which defied description.

My wife accused me of being a selfish pig last night over dinner!
I nearly choked on her steak.

Just searched Sickipedia for Schrodinger and got no results.
But now I look and there is one.

I love the irony...
Millions of Africans starving, and yet, the birds eye views of the world cup stadiums makes them look like giant bowls of Coco Pops

There's got to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.

My colleagues all think I'm posh. I'm not, I went to one of the roughest colleges in cambridge

If your name is Charlie or Mike do you still have to spell it phonetically on the phone?

My wife thinks I sound too much like Jeremy Clarkson.
So I'll try to prove her wrong.
I mean, how hard can it be?

My girlfriend said, "You're too judgemental of me."
I gave her a 6/10 for her posture during that sentence.

I always pull fat women and they all seem to say the same thing.
"Stop pulling me"

My son asked me, "what's an example of poetic justice?"
I told him, its like when a woman falls down the stairs,
at a battered woman's shelter.

My girlfriend left me because I'm "a clueless idiot."
I didn't even know I had a girlfriend.

Romanians having to flee their homes due to religous and bigoted intolerance.
I didn't think Belfast was like that.

Does anybody else find it ironic that the black version of the regular photograph is called the negative?

A banker is a person who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

At the D-Day commemorations, it appeared Gordon Brown did not know the words to the national anthem, which commentators have noted will cause uproar.
I think this is definitely an overreaction, he's been doing such a good job until this.

My friend said to me "If you could go back in time and shoot Hitler as a baby, would you?"
I replied "No, because as a baby, I probably wasn't strong enough to carry a gun."

I made a new year's resolution to stop being so optimistic about everything.
I'm 100% sure I can do it!

Out of respect, I decided to watch a women's football match and treat it just like any other game of football - which is all they're asking for really.
So there I was in a quiet stadium when I thought I'd help lift the atmosphere. "Come on ladies, speed it up a bit!"
"Oh, so you're saying they can't go as fast as men are you?" the woman next to me hissed.
So I sat down in silence and continued to ignore any mistakes made by the players and officials, thus preventing them from improving and contributing towards the sport's poor support and eternal mediocrity.
Happy now, ladies?

Many years from now, the troops are probably going to look back on their time in Iraq and wonder why they are still there.

You always hear people saying with pride : " I'll be entering New Year drunk. "
Quite ironic if I may say so myself , as I enter anything drunk.
Usually when I'm sober.

I kept on getting into trouble at school for handing my homework in late, so I bought a book of excuses.
Unfortunately, the dog ate it.

I hate pedantic people.
Well, when I say hate, I mean I have a strong disliking of them, and by people, I mean those amongst my friends, family, and acquaintances.

Ironic that according to the dictionary, the word plagiarism originally derives from another word...