I put on a DVD tonight and up popped that piracy advert, "You wouldn't steal a car, would you?"
At that point I turned off the mini LCD screen on the dashboard and got on with hot wiring it.

Isaac newton had an Apple fall on his head and has been labeled a genius for the last 350 years.
I shot a banana out my car window and it hit a black bloke on the head. 350 hours community service and a suspended sentence.
How times have changed.

Just found a recent quote from Gareth Barry,
"The management are doing well to keep us away from the media."
He said this on Sky Sports News by the way.

I was just playing Call Of Duty with my black friend, he killed me and said "You got owned".
Oh the irony.

I used to be an arrogant, self-important know it all, so I went to a hypnotist to see if he could help me.
Now I'm perfect.

Irony..
Its the second anniversary of baby P`s death!
The Black eyed peas are at number one.

Whilt browsing the "ban sickipedia" facebook group I couldn't help but notice the following in the related groups list.
"I Bet We Can Get 9999 Scousers By 9/9/09"
Anyone else see the irony in this?

FOX NEWS: A Missouri man reportedly shot himself in the head accidentally while teaching his girlfriend about gun safety...
Whoever said the americans didn't do irony!?

Alannis, take note.
Irony is not 'a thousand spoons when all you need is a knife'.
Irony is the RAF dropping a box containing thousands of leaflets to tell Iraqis how they're making things safer... directly on a small girl, killing her outright (BBC news story# 8282067)

A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight.
The man playing the triangle disappeared.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said "You are."

Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow.
During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal.
Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: "Ivan, jump!"
Sobbing, Ivan says: "Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home"
Putin sheds a tear himself, apologises to Ivan, and sends him away.
Next, it's Kim Jong Il's turn. He calls his bodyguard Lee Myung Man and yells: "Lee Myung Man, jump!"
Not hesitating for a split second, Lee Myung Man is just about to jump out the window.
Putin grabs Lee Myung Man to prevent him from jumping and says: "Are you out of your mind? If you jump out this window, you'll die! This is the 20th floor!"
Nevertheless, Lee Myung Man is still struggling, trying to escape Putin's embrace and jump out the window: "Mr. Putin, please let me go! I have a wife and child at home!"

I was having dinner with the Elephant Man the other day and pointed out that he'd got some gravy on his chin.
"Thank you!" he replied, giving it a rub. "Can't have people staring at me."

When I got home last night the house was a mess, there was no tea made and my missus was lying on the settee.
"My feet are killing me" she moaned.
How I laughed at the irony as I kicked her to death.

My missus was cooking dinner and spilt gravy down the front of her blouse when she was tasting it.
She looked at her blouse and said, "Eee, I look like a pig!"
I now truly regret saying, "Yes you do darling, you're also covered in gravy!"

I always thought i had a good imagination...
but it turns out it was just my imagination

Saw a book in the library today called "Don't judge a book by its cover"
But it looked dull so I left it.

BT have recently cut my phone off due to numerous unpaid bills.
They say unless I get in touch and pay up, they'll take me to court.
Unfortunately, thus far I've been unable to contact them as they've cut my phone off.

I was walking past a building site, when one of the builders shouted "Your tie looks stupid, get a blue one."
I hate constructive criticism.

My wife complained that I'm too old fashioned.
"Nonsense", I said, "Now get thee gone, wench, back to the skullery from wherest thou came and cease thoust chatter o'er much ado about nothing".
Brazen harlet.

Anyone else find it ironic how professional boxers need security guards walk them to the ring?

6th Oct 1854. The Great Fire of Newcastle. A wasted, ruined city, its people desperate and miserable.
And then they had a fire.

I saw a joke earlier posted by "insanity":
"If you kill anyone who has been unemployed for over 3 months, then wouldn't that have the result of zero unemployment and the end of the recession?"
I can't help but notice the irony of that being posted at 1:30pm on a Wednesday

Does anyone else notice the irony of when somebody says;
"I'm speechless"

A company offered $50 for suggestions from staff that would save them money.
They awarded it to the employee who advised that they only award $20.