I really don't get karaoke, I just don't see the point of it.
I mean, if I want to see a hopeless drunk murder an Amy Winehouse song, I'll go to an Amy Winehouse gig.

I saw that new advert for Pizza Hut today that said "Now, order with your iPhone."
Question... Couldn't you always order with your iPhone, seeing as it is, in fact, a phone?

My wife thinks I'm too nosey;
at least, that's what she wrote in her diary and texted to all her mates.

I've just published a book on preserving the rainforest and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.
It's over 2000 pages long.

I bought a self-help tape the other day.
It was called "How to handle disappointment."
When I opened the box, it was empty.

One morning, Harry wakes up and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts 333 on it to win.
It comes in third.

My best friend came up to me yesterday and said, "This is a photo of me when I was younger."
I replied, "Every photo is of when you were younger."

Paul McCartney once said that he only writes music about things that are real.
Really Paul? And would you say you do this eight days a week?

Apparently Morrissey left the UK because he thought there were too many foreigners here.
Not sure what he expected to find elsewhere.

I just bought some chicken and there was a sticker on the packaging saying ' RSPCA Approved.'
Does anybody else see the irony of the RSPCA approving the slaughtering of birds?