I just watched this 5 hour Black Ops tutorial on YouTube and I really couldn't help feeling sorry for the guy as I thought to myself, ''Some people really have no life''.

The BBC have announced they are being sued by Tesla for allegedly rigging a Top Gear race in 2008 to make it look like the Tesla was slower than it actually was.
Personally, I'd say taking three years to do so rather proves Top Gear's point.

My wife threw the tea towel at me the other day and told me that, seeing as how she'd washed up it was only fair that I did the drying....
...so I washed all of our clothes and threw the iron at her....

The Irony...
I had to leave the O2 Arena to get reception

My Ex-Wife claims that when I have the kids for their monthly visit I just spoil them and throw money at them.
You want the see the bruise a 50p coin can make between ones eyes if executed correctly from 2 metres.

The only machine I'm good on at the gym is the vending machine

The cinema.
Where you can legally watch a movie as long as you are willing to sit through continuous messages warning you not to illegally download movies and to instead support your local cinema.

Irony: Muslims wearing the face veils looking like a negative of the Klu Klux Klan

My Girlfriend Broke up with me, she said I never listen to her and during conversations I always respond with something completely different to what we were talking about.
I said "I'll have Ham on mine."

Isn't it ironic how Maddie McCann is the most seen name in the world, yet the least seen person?

My girlfriend tells me I don't understand roll play.
She said lets pretend I'm the Costa Concordia and your fingers are rescue divers.
So I lit some dynamite to widen the gap.

If a black box on a plane is indestructible, why don't they make the whole plane out of it?

When one person commits an atrocity, it is considered a crime and is met with punishment.
When millions of people commit atrocities, it is considered a culture and is met with tolerance

I just read an article on the BBC website about how school maths is completely useless.
Which is funny, because the article used statistics, which the journalist would have learnt in school.

My girlfriend split up with me because she said I have 'an unhealthy obsession with my sense of direction'.
I tried to move forward with this, but I want her back, because since she left, things just don't seem right.

My friend was explaining the meaning of irony to me when he suddenly got hit by an ambulance.
I'm still none the wiser.

If the people of Belfast want to get rid of the Romanians
Why dont they just expose them to sunlight as they sleep in their coffins?
Job done!

The world is full of people who lie to make themselves seem more interesting. And as a direct decendant of Mahatma Ghandi, I'm really offended by this.

The other day, my wife told me I was living in the past.
I thought that was a horrible thing to say, seeing as I had just bought her some Cadbury's chocolate from Woolworths.

I got a leaflet through my door today, it read 'Post people wanted'.
Why don't they employ these people who post these leaflets instead?

How ironic,
Message to all Nigerian Princes, If you are able to deposit 1.3 million pounds into an investment account at USB Bank,
We will release a Nigerian Banker

I got one of those bags for life today.
I beat a little old lady to death for it.

A traveller once asked me if I knew the definition of Irony. So I ignored him and carried on pitching my caravan in his back yard.

Ironic event of the week:
Muslim anti-fascist protesters gang up on, and beat one man because of his political views.

As a hater of racism I wanted to purchase my own 'Say No To Racism' banner and when I checked it out they all look the same... Bit like Chinese people.