David Cameron walks into a libary and askes for a book on irony, the librarian says: 'sorry, we are not a libary we are a barbershop now, because you closed all the libaries'.

A traveller once asked me if I knew the definition of Irony. So I ignored him and carried on pitching my caravan in his back yard.

Ironic event of the week:
Muslim anti-fascist protesters gang up on, and beat one man because of his political views.

As a hater of racism I wanted to purchase my own 'Say No To Racism' banner and when I checked it out they all look the same... Bit like Chinese people.

BBC News: "Google to be investigated by EU"
What are they going to do, google it?

I did not understand irony until I met a girl down our chip shop and she swears she is Kirsty McColl

In my school there was one bully who liked to listen to rap music and often told us that he was going to "do a drive by on us".
Ironically this has finally become reality as I drove off smugly with with my big mac and fries.

Why is it when people rap the door and no-one answers, they shout through the letter box, "Is anybody home?"
Are they expecting someone to say no?

If only the News of the World was still here to hack Blackberry Messenger so we'd know what was going on.

If my girlfriend got pregnant, I'd have to run out and get some coat hangers.
Need something to hang all those cute little baby outfits on!

Just as I was about to expose myself to the approaching female, I felt a terrible pain in my chest.
As I slumped to the floor, a load of past episodes from my life played themselves out in front of my eyes....
I thought, 'How ironic.... My life flashed before me...before I could flash before her'

I read over a fire pamphlet in a hotel, which read:
IN THE EVENT OF A FIRE:
DO NOT:
- Attempt to collect your belongings
- Attempt to put out the fire yourself
- Read over this pamphlet.

Why do people say most accidents are caused by young people. The fact is most young people are caused by accident

I thought Friday the 13th was meant to be unlucky? Don't know why.
My wife's just left me.

It took me 180 minutes to kill my geometry teacher
They charged me with third degree murder.

Talk about tempting fate.
My uncle spent his teenage years as a Mod, proclaiming ''I'll never be a rocker !''
Now he's got Parkinson's.

Please, Please donate anything you can to Sports Relief and make these children's lives happier. Give them clean water and food.
Now, let's go to 'Strictly Come Dancing - Under Water' where our celebrities will be dancing under 1.2 Million Litres of water.
You've just lost my 10!

A mate asked me "do you have any repressed memories?"
"Yeah" I said, "but I forget which ones."

My grandmother asked me if I hate God, because I don't go to church. I told her that I cannot possibly hate someone who doesn't exist.

I had my daughter call me whilst I was in the office today. It was the sweetest thing!
Until I remembered that I work at the call centre for Childline...

Apparently I have this way of lighting up a room whenever I walk in to it. I flick a switch.

In Peterborough City Centre, there are two shops right next to each other called;
'Evolution' and 'Blacks'.
Oh the irony.

Unlike some people, I'm perfectly able to admit when I'm wrong.
Or at least I would be, if I were ever wrong.

I was in a club last night and spotted a lonely looking woman (a solid 9/10) stood at the bar.
Being the gentleman that I am, I swaggered over to the woman and said with a husky voice "Do you know how much polar bears weigh, love?"
With a giggle the woman looked back at me and purred "Enough to break the ice?"
I said "Usually around 680kg" and walked off.
I showed her.

Two men in a hospital are talking for a good few hours, deep into the night...
"...And that is the meaning of Irony my friend" Said Pete with a self accomplished look on his face.
"what's the meaning of Irony?" asked the alzheimer's patient