Apparently I have this way of lighting up a room whenever I walk in to it. I flick a switch.

There's no racist comedians on tv anymore , id rather see bernard maning on mock the week than , that heavyset Irish chap, or the young lad with the unfortunate eye problem , or any of the wogs they let on now and again

As a child my mum would always tell me not to sit too close to the TV because it was bad for my eyes.
Now as an adult I spend up to 8 hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.

The irony, Jade Goody's husbands new show 'super daddy' is airing on Living TV..
Who said TV didn't have a sense of humour?

If the people at Volvic are so worried about Africans not having enough water, why are they selling it to us?

Why when asked "If you were to bring one item to an isolated island, what would you bring?" does no one ever answer "boat"?!

I was using Burger King's free wi-fi, but couldn't access some websites for being "tasteless".
Ironic when you've had one of their burgers.

There's something beautifully ironic about an email confirming that I've successfully unsubscribed from an email list.

Never had the phrase "Takes one to know one" had more meaning than when Sickipedians call Michael Jackson a Paedophile

Things haven't gone too well for me recently and I am always left disappointed, so I've decided that from now I'm going to be more pessimistic about life.
I'm really looking forward to it.

Is it just a coincidence that Barney is a grown man in a costume, his best friend is called BJ and he hangs out with children all day?

Watched 'The Hole 3D' the other day.
I didn't like it, I got slightly confused, and I'd seen the ending dozens of times in various movies.
There was a huge... Oh what's the word... Gap in the story line.

Im such a emotional guy, I got through a whole box of tissues while watching brokeback mountain..

My wife told me the other day that she was leaving me because of my constant sarcastic tone....
....which is odd, because I'm always telling her how much I love her and how beautiful she is.

I've been asked to do a job for the local mobster, no questions asked.
Unfortunately, I didn't find out what, where or when it is.

Jokes are never as funny when you have to explain the punchline.
Which brings me to this joke, which is funny because while the "set up" line is a complaint about having to explain the joke, the punchline itself is an explanation of the joke itself, thus creating a sort of humorous irony.

Top Tip for School Bullies: Pick on a Kid who lives at an Orphanage. What's the worst he can say? ''I'm gonna get my Nun on you!''

Tried writing with my left hand earlier.
It just didn't feel right.

I waited 40 years for that first kiss. Probably wasn't best to have it with my mum, at her funeral.

BBC News : Useless bomb detector sold worldwide risks lives.
They haven't had any complaints though.

X Factor, absolute compulsive irony. Every 2 minutes, the enjoyment of seeing a black person blubbering ...
'Everything I've worked so hard for, has been taken away'

They say money can't buy happiness, but money buys beer, and beer makes me happy.

The postman handed me a letter this morning and said "I've spent twenty minutes trying to find your house, just so I could give you this letter!"
I said, "you should have just posted it."

I was in an English exam and one of the questions was 'Write a sentence in the past conditional tense'. I had no idea what the 'past conditional' tense was!
If only I'd revised.

My mate bought me a dictionary because I didn't understand Irony.
Yet when I went to look for the definition, it wasn't there.