Had to break up with my blind girlfriend, couldn't stand her wandering eyes.

How many warranty forms does it take to change a lightbulb?

I just sold the movie rights to my life story. It's not easy being a nocturnal alcholic but I can wait to see "Night Cider".

Some people think my legs look funny.
I should hope so, I do stand-up.

I used to be lazy, but that all changed when I stepped in a pool of glue
I've been working my socks off ever since.

I was sat next to this miserable, unhappy looking bloke on the bus when he said,
"One ring to rule them all."
"Is that from Lord of the Rings?" I interrupted.
"No," he replied "it's a general consensus of women's domination as a result of marriage."

I hit an elderly lady with a tennis ball earlier.
I warned her what would happen if she kept refusing to give it back.

Just had a Job interview with G4S. It went rather well! They said I should hear back in september

I need to go and buy myself a new pair of trousers.
These ones are on their last legs.

I guess its ok to leave baby in the corner now.

My girlfriend complained today that I had a one-track mind.
She interrupted my train of thought.

Whats Grey And would look Funny on the Wigan Warrior's team Bus?
Terry Newton.

Following success of SAW VI we bring you
NATURAL CAUSES, THE MOVIE

I got some blinds for my Living room window yesterday.
People must be walking past my house thinking, "Them disabled people have just stood there all day".

The arkward moment in 2013 when every girl is pregnant...

I was telling my colleagues a hilarious story about the time me and my friends got locked in a room full of laughing gas. When I finished it was met with an awkward silence.
You probably had to be there.

I get a lot of stick for collecting bits of tree.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to your house.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The Chicken.

I've just seen a pair of hippies mid-protest, proper Green activist, all about saving the planet they were.
I feel they may be taking a little too far though though, when they had to decide who would leave their post to go and fetch some water.
They played Rock, Scissors, Recycled paper.

I love treating myself after doing something good.
Having a burger after going for a run, going for a pint after staying in all week...
Pushing my elderly mother down the stairs after a day out helping the disabled.

John, Tom and Jess were on a plane flying across the Pacific Ocean. The plane ran into turbulence and crashed into the sea, leaving them as the only survivors. They were eventually washed up on a tropical island and, after a few months or so, they had an effective food system and water system etc etc...

I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 10:00 p.m. tonight.

Was anyone else hoping she would just kick him in there and then?
Or
That they had a sniper at the ready?

My teacher called me a quitter today.
I nearly dropped my English lessons.

I saw a Policeman at the ATM before, he was there for a while.
He never did get a statement though.