What do you call a one legged woman?
Ilean.

How many recruitment consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well that depends. Have you tried to fit the lightbulb yourself? When do you need to have it fitted? And would you be willing to let me work on the job exclusively?

Do they have a census for animals?
If they do I don't think they would include sheep, imagine how hard it would be trying to stay awake

What do they call a water fight in Somalia ?
A "fight over water"........

The girlfriend asked me " how many women have you slept with"?
I said " I won't give you the number but I can count them all on one hand."
"Brilliant" she said.
And under my breath I counted 5,10,15,20.......

i was going to write a joke but my database latency is to high
its a shame too because it was a really good joke

A witch has cursed me by turning my head into a giant polo sweet.
I tried to convince her that it didn't bother me, but she saw straight through me.

I like my children like I like my jokes.
Not getting old.

I cant believe it!... Monday night I was watching Keith Allen interview Keith Floyd then on Tuesday morning Keith Floyd drops dead!... Any chance Keith can interview his daughter Lily in the next programme?...

I wish I could get my CRB check deleted as quick as my jokes.

My brother asked me if I could dress up as a calculator for his fancy dress party, as his best mate cancelled.
I told him he could count on me.

Ever been searching for something but you just can't remember where you left it if your life depended on it? I really need to find that inhaler.

Just sold Jimmy's finest comedy DVD for 50.
Thanks webuyanycar.com, and sorry it had to go legal.

My mate looks like Patrick Swayze when he dances on a night out
Rotten

The mutilated bodies of a boy band have been found today dumped at a Scottish beauty spot.
Man charged with Mcfly tipping.

Sarcasm: When life gives you lemons, squeeze them into life's eyes, while smiling.

Sky News - "Airport Closed After Light Plane Crashes"
Can't have been that light then...

I was in Amsterdam recently and I bought a 'Puff and sniff scratch card.'
I think I won. But I don't know because I was stoned for 2 days.

Fergie has put out a press statement saying that Man Utd are leading the way of getting rid of the ugly side of football now that Gary Neville has retired.

"Because you're so predictable," I said.
"How come you always seem to know what I'm going to say?". she asked

Me and my wife have been told we can't have children.
She turned to me today and said "I think in vitro fertilization is the option we should go for. I think that could work."
I looked at her. Her eyes, filling up with tears looking at me for hope.
"OK, just be careful about putting all your eggs in one basket"

"BBC News: UK Rapist in Austraila sent home"
His parents are said to be furious and he's not allowed back to school for two weeks...

My party trick is to fill my foreskin with over forty 10p pieces.
And that's why I'm not a Children's Entertainer anymore.

I was raised by just my mother because my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.

I keep finding vomit on my doorstep.......... I think it's some kind of sick joke.