What do you call a one legged woman?
Ilean.

How many recruitment consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well that depends. Have you tried to fit the lightbulb yourself? When do you need to have it fitted? And would you be willing to let me work on the job exclusively?

What do they call a water fight in Somalia ?
A "fight over water"........

Do they have a census for animals?
If they do I don't think they would include sheep, imagine how hard it would be trying to stay awake

Sky News - "Airport Closed After Light Plane Crashes"
Can't have been that light then...

Sarcasm: When life gives you lemons, squeeze them into life's eyes, while smiling.

The mutilated bodies of a boy band have been found today dumped at a Scottish beauty spot.
Man charged with Mcfly tipping.

My mate looks like Patrick Swayze when he dances on a night out
Rotten

Just sold Jimmy's finest comedy DVD for 50.
Thanks webuyanycar.com, and sorry it had to go legal.

Ever been searching for something but you just can't remember where you left it if your life depended on it? I really need to find that inhaler.

I wish I could get my CRB check deleted as quick as my jokes.

I cant believe it!... Monday night I was watching Keith Allen interview Keith Floyd then on Tuesday morning Keith Floyd drops dead!... Any chance Keith can interview his daughter Lily in the next programme?...

I like my children like I like my jokes.
Not getting old.

A witch has cursed me by turning my head into a giant polo sweet.
I tried to convince her that it didn't bother me, but she saw straight through me.

i was going to write a joke but my database latency is to high
its a shame too because it was a really good joke

The girlfriend asked me " how many women have you slept with"?
I said " I won't give you the number but I can count them all on one hand."
"Brilliant" she said.
And under my breath I counted 5,10,15,20.......

My brother asked me if I could dress up as a calculator for his fancy dress party, as his best mate cancelled.
I told him he could count on me.

I didnt realise i had a broken wallet until finally one day...
The Penny Dropped.

Mirrors can't talk....
Luckily for some people they can't laugh either

I've just seen an old guy collecting Tesco trolleys and I reckon he needs to stop showing off at his age.
He's pushing 60.

It was two weeks before my wife's birthday and she gave the daily nagging to say how I don't treat her and show affection for the 20 years we've been married, so I booked us this restaurant in the high street just so she would see how I do care for her. On the night we went in and sat down on a special table on the top floor looking out from the balcony to see the whole city.
"This is nice, all these years I thought you didn't know me and suddenly you bring me to this beautiful restaurant with this gorgeous view, thanks Darren, plus I love this food! What's this place call--eerrhgh orghh...."
Turns out the restaurant was Korean and that my wife was allergic to dogs...

I keep finding vomit on my doorstep.......... I think it's some kind of sick joke.

I was raised by just my mother because my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.

I was in Amsterdam recently and I bought a 'Puff and sniff scratch card.'
I think I won. But I don't know because I was stoned for 2 days.

Fergie has put out a press statement saying that Man Utd are leading the way of getting rid of the ugly side of football now that Gary Neville has retired.