My dad is like Adolf Hitler.
In that I have never met him.

If time is money, then my wife spends far too much time shopping.

I've made up three jokes this week. The first was about a ghetto blaster, the second was about a Walkman and the third was about a Hitachi Midi system.
Like all my jokes, they rely on stereo types.

I went on holiday to America last year.
After driving non-stop south across Colorado and New Mexico you can guess the state I was in.

When Kate Middleton visited Liverpool, she was shown round a bar with no alcohol. She then moved on to see houses with no windows and cars with no wheels.

I saw this guy boasting that he was great at maths,so I went up to him an asked him" If a hole is 3 feet by 6 feet by 6 feet,how much dirt is in the hole" "108 cubic feet." he answered smugly, so I politely said there's no dirt it's a hole!" and walked off.

I worry about the current rate of inflation. I'm not sure my blow up doll can take much more!

Hobbies Include running through parks and photography.
Well it sounds better then Flashing in the park.

I got stopped by a woman in the street today who tried to tell me a joke - it started off really well. Pain, suffering, abuse, maybe a bit of incest. I didn't get the punchline though. Something about 2 a month?

Why did the clown cross the road?
He saw the funny side.

The Popes right hand man said that landing in Britain was like landing in a 3rd world country.
I never knew Bradford had an airport.
......
its called leeds Bradford international airport, you fool.

Consistently innovative and exciting, the London International Mime Festival returns....Now you're talking

I just had a feeling of deja vu,
then I thought: thats never happened before

I'll never forget the day I won the World Memory Championships.

Quadriplegics - you gotta hand it to them...

3 and a half years ago since i emigrated to america,
i bet the wife is worried sick.

I went to buy a Kenwood food processor yesterday but it ended in tears.
Turns out me and blenders don't mix.

My taste in women is a lot like my joke history.
They both suck

A guy with one leg asked me for some spare change.
I told him to hop it.

My mates tell me I'm not a funny guy.
Turns out they're right.

I've started doing some voluntary work for my local fire station.
I'm an arsonist!

Now, I'm sure he's got too much water for his tea...
Thought the Lobster

My wife said the only vegetable that could make her cry was an onion.
But you should have seen her after I hit her Mum with my car.

Why do birds fly south in the winter.
Because its better then walking.

Hey, am I the only one who thinks Pacman should give Ghostbusters a call?