I've started doing some voluntary work for my local fire station.
I'm an arsonist!

My mates tell me I'm not a funny guy.
Turns out they're right.

A guy with one leg asked me for some spare change.
I told him to hop it.

My taste in women is a lot like my joke history.
They both suck

I went to buy a Kenwood food processor yesterday but it ended in tears.
Turns out me and blenders don't mix.

3 and a half years ago since i emigrated to america,
i bet the wife is worried sick.

Quadriplegics - you gotta hand it to them...

"thatcher taken to hospital"
Let's hope it's just a miner problem

My wife left me because I spend too much time on the internet.
So I guess now the joke's on her.

Breaking news
John Terry has been released from police questiong so he can come on as a late sub for Emma West

Success is now measured the instant you die by how many jokes circulate "too soon."

What do you call a man that has a pole stuck through the middle of his leg?
Rodney.

The other day when I was out riding my dragon, I realised how much I hate people who lie!

Life is more thrilling when you're out there living it.
I read that somewhere.

O
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A
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I guess thats another original joke going down...

An Englishman eating his sunday roast, a Scotsman with a kilt on, an Irish man drunk out of his head, and a Kenwood Hifi system are in a bar. They were all stereotypes.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?
Stu.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 225,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

My wife told me she wanted a greenhouse,
It cost a fortune in paint, our house is huge!

I've just been showing off my new wheels to my mates, but they didn't seem impressed.
Perhaps they'd have been more enthusiastic if they were attached to a car.

I've got a sure fire tip for you.
The red bit on the end of a matchstick.

My wife has hay fever, and on Sunday she had a very bad allergic reaction.
Through swollen lips, and struggling to breath, she gasped "Call me a doctor."
"You're a doctor." I replied.

As a teenager I was into death metal and cooking...
I was an angry man, but you've gotta eat.

I have trouble telling the difference between Camera's and Gun's.
Which led to tragic consequence's at a recent wedding.

My mate showed me a website to order a MacBook for only twenty quid the other day.
Imagine my disappointment when through my door I received a catalogue full of raincoats.