I've just been dumped by my girlfriend and straight away started going out with a girl on the basketball team.
People keep telling me that it's just a rebound thing.

On hearing about the Ethiopian Air crash in the middle east,my wife turned to me and said "Thats awful,you would automatically think its a terrorist attack wouldnt you?"
I replied " No, i automatically try to think of a new joke to post on Sickipedia!"
On the sofa again tonight!
-------------------------------------
Well, make it worth your while and actually tell us a joke, then...

What have white women and Neapolitan ice cream got in common?
They both have a small White strip between the pink and the brown.

I guess "stop, drop and roll" doesn't apply when you're on a beach off the Gulf of Mexico...

Today is a national day of mourning in America.
However, if you're from the Middle East it's a national holiday.

I got drunk last night. Mind you, thats what I get for sitting in a cup of tea.

I've just seen Bob Holness working in my local DVD rental store.
And that's blockbusters!

I thought of a Joke about Wind coming into my house through an open window.
but I had just posted a joke minutes before.
So I saved it as a draught

I was having great fun this weekend, teaching our three year old how to catch.
As usual, the wife spoiled it by taking away my medicine ball.

It says 'recyclable items only' on our wheelie bin,so i put our kids new bike in it.

I was super gluing my model airplane together when i got a blob of the glue on the palm of my hand,i then put my hand down onto a copy of my memoirs............ That's my story and i'm sticking to it.

I applied for the TV show Idle Idol - to find Britain's laziest person.
I failed on application.

If, in your relationship, you continue to hear, "You're smothering me", then you're probably not holding the pillow down tight enough!

I went to a DIY house improvements convention today and the after party was great.
They totally raised the roof.

3 drunk guys boarded a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he decided to take advantage of them. He started the engine and turned it off again.
He told them, "We've reached our destination."
The first guy paid him the cab fare, and the second guy said, "Thank you."
The third guy gave the driver a slap. The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk guy knew what he did. But he asked. "What was that for?"
The third guy replied. "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!"

My mate asked me if i could help him fix his clock.
so I gave him a hand.

What do you call a travelling potato?
Chipsy

I've had a lot of experience at delivering jokes.
I used to be Joe Pasquale's postman.

I think i'll try moonwalking the next time someone asks me to do a Michael Jackson impression................ It didn't go down very well with my wife's mate when i dangled her baby over our balcony.

Conned some tramps out of their last few quid the other day........ i must stop playing silly beggars.

Someone has just come up to me while I was eating and said "you are what you eat". I wouldn't normally pay any attention to it but I was eating Jamaican ginger cake at the time and I'm not taking that sort of risk.

New Wiliksons Sword hydro razor with water activated gel molecules.
Maybe, just maybe, the water you feel from the 'water activated gel molecules' is the very same water needed to activate them.

Just planted a few bulbs.
Gonna have my own solar plant!

My mates keep telling me that if I keep believing everything they keep saying to me, my brain will explode.
So now I accuse them of lying, just in case.

What's black and looks good on my wife?
The bin liners I've just wrapped her battered corpse in.