Conned some tramps out of their last few quid the other day........ i must stop playing silly beggars.

I think i'll try moonwalking the next time someone asks me to do a Michael Jackson impression................ It didn't go down very well with my wife's mate when i dangled her baby over our balcony.

I've had a lot of experience at delivering jokes.
I used to be Joe Pasquale's postman.

My mate asked me if i could help him fix his clock.
so I gave him a hand.

Women who loudly and publicly announce their time of the month should be shot. PERIOD.

I was really comfy sat on the bus today.
Then I slid off and fell onto the road.

A chicken walks into a bar and the barman says to the chicken "Do you want anything to drink?"
The chicken says "Of course I do. What do you think I crossed the road for?"

I wished my friend a Happy Goth Day.
He didn't seem very happy about it

I'm fed up with everytime i throw a house party the place gets wrecked! so i've started getting a deposit at the door, best idea ever! And if anything was to get wrecked, well at least i'll have a nice collection of bra's and tops....

I've spent most of my life farting into cans but i'm starting to realise I should probably stop as it's not normal behaviour.
Especially since I still haven't received any royalties from Lynx.

Been having '5-A-Day' for a while now, and starting to get blisters on my right hand.
I don't feel any healthier?

Your Mum's So Small, She Has To Slam Dunk Her Bus Fare!

Being mute is nothing to shout about.

I just got in from work, went upstairs to get changed and found my wife in bed with a medievil play actor
"it meant nothing", she said, "Just a one knight stand"

I've just been to court where my friend was given Nine life sentences.
I think that is really harsh, just for running over a cat.

May is national egg month and national asparagus month.
So i guess its also national "i'd give it 5 minutes before you go in there" month

I was on the bus today when a young mother asked me "Do you mind if I breast feed?"
I said "No that's fine, but don't suck my nipple too hard"

My friends are constantly making fun of me because of how gullible I am.
We'll see who's laughing when I'm earning 437 a day from the comfort of my own home.

I got kicked out of the theatre last night for abusive heckling.
Now I've got to explain my actions to the Hospital Board and fellow surgeons.

I take my hat off to my barber.
Makes it easier for him to cut my hair.

I thought Marco Simoncelli died this morning?
He seems to be doing alright in the centre of Chelsea's defence

"What are you making?" asked the cannibal.
"Korean soup," replied his friend, "Try some."
"That's nice. How many Koreans did you use?"
"Only two. You know what they say... Too many gooks spoil the broth."

I like to imagine Che Guevara joining Twitter, agonising over which picture to use as his avatar.

My lawyer was supposed to give his closing statement when suddenly I heard him snoring next to me.
I woke him up and went,"Mate,what do you think you're doing?"
He went,"The defence rests."

I recently got sacked from my job as a hospital radio DJ.
Apparently playing stairway to heaven isn't acceptable.