A chicken walks into a bar and the barman says to the chicken "Do you want anything to drink?"
The chicken says "Of course I do. What do you think I crossed the road for?"

I was really comfy sat on the bus today.
Then I slid off and fell onto the road.

Women who loudly and publicly announce their time of the month should be shot. PERIOD.

I pulled an ugly fat bird last night.
I said to her, "Do you fancy seeing my flat tonight?"
She replied "Yes".
So I walked her round to the carpark and showed her a deflated tyre".
She looked at me and said, "Please tell me you're joking?"
I laughed and said, "Of course I am, I haven't even got a car".

Cairo slum dubbed Garbage City.
Obviously never been to Portsmouth

I was at the doctor's the other day and he asked me "Have you ever broken any bones?"
I replied, "Yes, 213 last time I checked"
"By god, man! You should be dead!"
"Oh, don't worry, none of them were mine..."

I used to have an obsession with theatres
But i'm past that stage now

I've had enough of being a teacher. Today I've been sworn at on three occasions, told several people to stop smoking and broken up two fights..
And that was just in the Staff Room.

They say alcohol kills slowly.. So what? Who's in a hurry.

If my girlfriend sucked as much as my jokes, I wouldn't have the time to be posting them here.

What is BA + NA?
Banana

My son was born with two extra limbs on his body and needed an operation to separate them. It cost an arm and a leg.

SKYNEWS- Toyota are stopping at nothing to get things back in order.

Your mum has been fingered more times than a black guy in an ID parade.

I heard they were doing a funeral for the 70lb fish Two Tone.
Cremate or Barbeque?

Timing.
What's crucial when telling a joke?

More females to pilot planes?... It'll never take off.

My neighbours' kids are missing after being sucked into an inlet pipe at a sewage farm.
I can't imagine what they must be going through.

Bruce Willis,Nick Nolte,Steven Seagal,Gerard Butler and Vinnie Jones were all in the audience for my stand up comedy gig the other night.......... It was a tough crowd.

I was walking in town with my wife today. "I'm leaving you because I am sick of you making my life a complete joke" she said to me, as we crossed the road to get to the other side.

I've been out of work for six months.
Anyone know a good locksmith?

Lynx: making you smell like a smoky year 10 since 1983

So, how does this work? Do I HAVE to remember the jokes from two weeks ago and be the first person that day to repeat them again or am I allowed to make something new up???

Think I've got Parkinson's disease.
I keep sending pens to people over 50.

I don't know why pandas have so much difficulty mating.
It's all there in front of them in black and white.