I've been out of work for six months.
Anyone know a good locksmith?

My neighbours' kids are missing after being sucked into an inlet pipe at a sewage farm.
I can't imagine what they must be going through.

I don't know why pandas have so much difficulty mating.
It's all there in front of them in black and white.

Lynx: making you smell like a smoky year 10 since 1983

So, how does this work? Do I HAVE to remember the jokes from two weeks ago and be the first person that day to repeat them again or am I allowed to make something new up???

I tried out stand up comedy for the first time last night and, would you believe it, the crowd was on their feet by the end of the night!
...By which I mean they all threw their chairs at me.

Pulled a Polish girl last night.
Turns out it was Mrs Muscle.

I brush after every meal, and my dentist says my hair looks lovely.

The Anorexia Centre.
The easiest place to pick up girls.

My mate's recorded a short stand-up set in which he tells a number of jokes about peas.
You should check out his podcast.

I'm going to get the numbers 1-100 tattooed across my body. That way, you can always count on me.

I told my wife to go treat herself for the day, as I'd won our house a free makeover on the TV show 60 Minute Makeover.
When she came back a few hours later, she stepped into the house and broke down in tears.
It was at that point I realised I take my jokes too far.

Took a week off of work for some reflection.
Basically it's me dressing like a girl and chatting myself up in the mirror.

As I jumped up on my chosen mount, one of the spectators laughed and shouted, "You won't get far on that lad!"
I decided he was right. So I got down and chose a different lad.

My girlfriend just dumped me for endlessly re-using common formats of jokes.

I live in a bungalow. Well, it has an upstairs. But that's another story.

I feel so taken for granted that I'm tempted to change my name to "A Million".
That way, people will start thanking me.

What does Frodo use to pleasure himself?
A Bilbo

Alphabet:
A is for acronym...

Doctor says to his patient "I've got some good news & some bad news"
"Whats the good news?" he asks.
"I've managed to cure your pessimistic nature" says the doctor.
"Thanks" says the patient, before leaving.

My anti-itching powder hasn't worked........... So i'm starting again from scratch.

2 flies playing football in a saucer
one says to the other "we better improve by next week cos we'll be playing in the cup"

I watched as the Paramedic carried the box marked "Human Organ" into the ward, and I felt elated. Suddenly, he tripped and the box went flying.
My heart dropped.

What goes 'Ha-ha-ha-ha-thump'?
A leper laughing his head off.

While I was captain of the Starship Enterprise, my chief physician was captured by two rock groups from Planet Metal and interrogated.
I wasn't worried.
Styx and Stones won't break my Bones.