I was walking in town with my wife today. "I'm leaving you because I am sick of you making my life a complete joke" she said to me, as we crossed the road to get to the other side.

I've been out of work for six months.
Anyone know a good locksmith?

My neighbours' kids are missing after being sucked into an inlet pipe at a sewage farm.
I can't imagine what they must be going through.

I don't know why pandas have so much difficulty mating.
It's all there in front of them in black and white.

Lynx: making you smell like a smoky year 10 since 1983

Pulled a Polish girl last night.
Turns out it was Mrs Muscle.

I tried out stand up comedy for the first time last night and, would you believe it, the crowd was on their feet by the end of the night!
...By which I mean they all threw their chairs at me.

I brush after every meal, and my dentist says my hair looks lovely.

The Anorexia Centre.
The easiest place to pick up girls.

My mate's recorded a short stand-up set in which he tells a number of jokes about peas.
You should check out his podcast.

I'm going to get the numbers 1-100 tattooed across my body. That way, you can always count on me.

I told my wife to go treat herself for the day, as I'd won our house a free makeover on the TV show 60 Minute Makeover.
When she came back a few hours later, she stepped into the house and broke down in tears.
It was at that point I realised I take my jokes too far.

Took a week off of work for some reflection.
Basically it's me dressing like a girl and chatting myself up in the mirror.

As I jumped up on my chosen mount, one of the spectators laughed and shouted, "You won't get far on that lad!"
I decided he was right. So I got down and chose a different lad.

My girlfriend just dumped me for endlessly re-using common formats of jokes.

I live in a bungalow. Well, it has an upstairs. But that's another story.

I feel so taken for granted that I'm tempted to change my name to "A Million".
That way, people will start thanking me.

What does Frodo use to pleasure himself?
A Bilbo

Alphabet:
A is for acronym...

Doctor says to his patient "I've got some good news & some bad news"
"Whats the good news?" he asks.
"I've managed to cure your pessimistic nature" says the doctor.
"Thanks" says the patient, before leaving.

Can I play in the sandbox, Mummy? Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

A blonde sees a psychiatrist for a recurring dream she keeps having.
She says: "I see myself running away from lots of people in a hallway, and at the end of the hallway there's a door and I push as hard as I can to open it, but it won't budge!"
The doctor replies; "Don't worry, this is a common dream. Are there any other details that you'd like to share with me?"
"Yes, there are four letters on the door that I can't make out."
"Do you remember them?"
"Yes... P-U-L-L"

I like to tape tin foil to the base of my grandad's metal detector using black tape.
It's hilarious!

My girlfriend told me I leave her breathless when she is close to me.
I've told her we need to spend
more time together.

BBC News "Recent studies show that most Google searches these days are from people trying to see if most of these headlines actually exist"