A man in a wheelchair was shouting at a man yesterday in the supermarket for no apparent reason. He was being so aggressive towards the man I thought I better intervene. All I said was "Step off." and I was painted as the bad guy.

Facebook Status Shuffle:
For those who need help.

2 flies playing football in a saucer
one says to the other "we better improve by next week cos we'll be playing in the cup"

I watched as the Paramedic carried the box marked "Human Organ" into the ward, and I felt elated. Suddenly, he tripped and the box went flying.
My heart dropped.

What goes 'Ha-ha-ha-ha-thump'?
A leper laughing his head off.

My anti-itching powder hasn't worked........... So i'm starting again from scratch.

My mate asked me to look after his detective agency while he goes abroad on a surveillance mission.
I told him to mind his own business.

While I was captain of the Starship Enterprise, my chief physician was captured by two rock groups from Planet Metal and interrogated.
I wasn't worried.
Styx and Stones won't break my Bones.

Can I play in the sandbox, Mummy? Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Did you hear about the man who got a cushy job in a watch factory?
He just stood around all day making faces.

My mate give me this weird pen the other day.
I started writing before a gang of people, a dog and a van popped out the end of it. I was so confused.
Must've been mystery ink.

My hopes of getting a job are fading quicker than two toddlers trying to escape a house fire.

That's the thing about indifference - I can take it or leave it.

Anyone seen that Jamrags site?
They're stealing all our good jokes!

Michael Shields is worried that what with his reputation and just being released from prison, he won't be able to find employment.
His mam has told him that he could always try his hand at being a brickie

Wallace is remembered in Scotland as a patriot and national hero.
Most English men prefer Gromit.

What goes: Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, White?
Kermit the Frog Masturbating.

My girlfriend accused me of being a tramp the other day.
I almost choked on the kebab i'd found.

Which Knight makes pottery?
Sir Amic

"Burger King sold for 3.36bn"
Once the munchies wore off I bet he was gutted.

Do I know the molecular formula of nitrogen monoxide?
NO

Everyone always says that I have a dark sense of humour.
Bit harsh, I tell fat jokes as well.

A lot of posters here see their jokes as being their children.
I see them that way too: they're stupid, they're ugly and I wish they'd go away.

Look, I know that since I walked out, you think that she could use a guy like you, but trust me, that woman has a lot going on and you want none of it.
Get out whilst you still can...
Stacey's Dad

I love going round to my nan's to eat crackers.
She always puts on a good spread...