Which Knight makes pottery?
Sir Amic

My girlfriend accused me of being a tramp the other day.
I almost choked on the kebab i'd found.

What goes: Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, White?
Kermit the Frog Masturbating.

Wallace is remembered in Scotland as a patriot and national hero.
Most English men prefer Gromit.

Michael Shields is worried that what with his reputation and just being released from prison, he won't be able to find employment.
His mam has told him that he could always try his hand at being a brickie

Anyone seen that Jamrags site?
They're stealing all our good jokes!

That's the thing about indifference - I can take it or leave it.

My hopes of getting a job are fading quicker than two toddlers trying to escape a house fire.

My mate give me this weird pen the other day.
I started writing before a gang of people, a dog and a van popped out the end of it. I was so confused.
Must've been mystery ink.

I hate jokes.
I've felt that way ever since my fat mother-in-law went to the West Indies of her own accord.
And brought back a dog with no nose.

"Police swoop on M6 Megabus"
Optimus Prime is said to be furious

What do you call a German with a sense of humour?
An impostor.

"Some are soft.
Some are strong.
And some are long."
Am I the only one that got the wrong idea of that advert?

What's the difference between this joke and all my others?
There isn't one, this is still going to get into the negatives.

Kids in the dark cause accidents, Accidents in the dark cause kids.

'Help, i need somebody. Help, not just anybody. Help, you know i need someone, Help'
The Beatles were lucky the U.S army never heard this song.

I bought my girlfriend some latex gloves because it said on the packet, "Ideal for all hand jobs."
So she put the gloves on, pulled my underwear down and took them over to the washing machine. I wouldn't have touched them without gloves either.

Getting the female contortionist's from the circus to come back to my flat was definitely a result, but challenging them to a game of strip Twister was not the smartest way of trying to get their kit off.

I was walking round the fruit and veg stalls at the market when i thought i'd have a kilo of potatoes.
the bloke weighed them for me and said, "just over is that ok?", I nodded.
Then i asked for a kilo of oranges, he weighed them and again said "just over is that alright"
"Ok mate thats 2.70 he said"
I gave him 2.50 winked at him and said "just under mate is that ok"?

I'd tell you a joke about the new DFS sale but it goes on for ever.

At work today an Indian woman got fired
apparently JIHAD to go.

3 guys in Texas own an oil well that catches fire. They call Red Adair, the famous oil well fire fighter, and ask for his help. He quotes them a price of half a million dollars, and says he can't be there till 3 weeks later.
This seems a bit much, so, consulting the Yellow Pages, they call Pedro Lopez's oil well fire fighting service.
Pedro says, "Si, senor, I will charge you five hundred dollar, and I will be there tomorrow morning".
So, next morning, the 3 Texans are standing on a hill, watching their oil well burn, when all of a sudden this pickup truck full of Mexicans comes roaring up and over the hill, right down into the middle of the fire. All the Mexicans jump out and start dancing around, stomping out the flames.
Sure enough, in a few minutes the fire is out. Pedro comes walking up to the Texans, wiping the sweat off his brow. One of the Texans says, "Pedro, man that was great. Here is your $500.00 and here is an extra $500.00 for doing such a great job. So, what are you going to do with all this money"?
Pedro replies, "Well, first thing is, I gonna get new brakes for the pickup truck."

I saw a High Priest today.
"Alright Father," I said, "Been on the Waccy Baccy again?"

I hold my cup like a mug.

I saw a sign today that said "Pedestrians look both ways."
I thought, "so what if they do?"