The lights went out in our house last night. The wife said it was the fuse box and I needed to go fix it. She never does anything!
I swear I have absolutely no power.

Stood next to a barrel of petrol earlier wondering what would happen was I to drop a match into it.
Then I was enlightened

It seems like perpendicular lines find love the easiest.
They're always just right for each other.

Suffered third degree burns at work today. Saw some flames in the corridor so i opened up the fire exit. How was I to know fire exit wasn't a literal meaning.

a man walks into a bar and wonders "how many times do I do this each day?"

A man walks into a bar which he has never been to, sits down, and orders a drink.
As he sits there, a man stands up and says out loud "25!" and the entire bar starts laughing like crazy.
He stared confused at everyone, but remained silent.
He heard another shout,
"One-hundred and fifty six!" and the entire bar shakes with laughter.
After the laughter settled down, the man thought he should contribute. He stood up, and said out loud "Two-hundred and five!".
The bar was quiet, everyone staring at this newcomer. Clearly thinking deeply. Then, after several seconds, they all burst out laughing - there were people falling on the floor and people bent over from laughter.
The man turns to the bartender and asked what just happened and why the long silence at first.
"Well, everyone in this bar has been regular customers for years now. So they all know all the jokes, so instead of telling out the entire joke, they just say the number related to that joke. Makes it much easier for everyone, y'see" he explained. "And yours was a brand new joke! Took them a while to understand, though".

I'm an optimist.
I hope.

I started dating this disabled girl, both for her personality...
And the fact that she can't run away.

I have a feeling that the Mullet is making a comeback...
Even after 3 shaves.

A horse walks into a bar and asks, "Why the long face?"
"What?" asks the confused barman.

As my mother in law sat beside my wife's hospital bed, she sobbed at the high pitched, continuous tone which filled the room.
You should have seen her face when Michael Winslow appeared from the cupboard!

Just saw a chicken cross the road.
Couldn't help but think, why?

There are 37 things I hate in this world; jokes that don't make any logical sense.

My nan used to say "If you eat the crusts of the bread it will make your hair go curly."
She wasn't wrong. I cannot for the life of me straighten my pubic hair.

I've just invented an Internet service for tall people and giants.
It's called Wi-Fi-Fo-Fum.

Two goldfish are swimming around their bowl discussing some of life's important issues.
One goldfish says to the other, "Do you believe in God?"
"Of course, I do!" his pal says. "Who do you think changes the water?"

My mate is really irritating- instead of facing his problems, he just hides from them.
His name is Wally.

What do you call a Scottish coat hanger attendant?
Angus Mecoatup.

I've just started my own online business.............
I steal washing!

Intelligence agencies have learnt of a possible attack on the tiddlywinks world championships..........
Counter terrorist police have been put on stand by.

A guy came up to me after a stand up gig I did.
He said, "Hey you stole my joke."
I said, "No I didn't..."
He said, "Yes you did, you stole my joke"
I said "Search me."
He did, and he found it. I guess the joke was on me.

The cream I just had with my coffee wasn't as 'brill' as the tub said.

I went into a butchers today and said, "Is that a sheep's head in the window?"
He said, "No, it's a mirror."

"Hey, do you want to hear a funny joke about cloakroom attendants?"
"No!"
"I'll get your coat.."

What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.