Why did the chicken cross the road?
There was a gas explosion at KFC.

"I'm going to Southwestern China with my wife for that gambling tournament."
"Tibet?"
"No, just to watch."

The Judge looked directly into my eyes as he began his summing up.
"In all my years on the Bench, I can honestly say that I have never had to deal with a more loathsome individual than yourself. You are an habitual liar who thinks nothing of taking advantage of weaker individuals to satisfy their own perverted needs, paying no heed to the damaged and ruined lives you leave in your wake."
Then he turned his attention to the accused, "You have chosen your Defence Attourney well Mr Rodgers."

My mate dug up what he thought were onions from his allotment yesterday.
He cooked them in with his dinner.
Turns out they were daffodil bulbs, and made him so ill it hospitalised him.
He's ok though, he's due out in spring.

What do you call a crossdressing dinosaur?
Trannysourus rex.

I saw a sign today that said "Pedestrians look both ways."
I thought, "so what if they do?"

The only job where you start from the top is digging a hole.

For sale: Cheap Incredible Hulk t-shirts. Usual wear and tear.

My wife says i treat her with no respect, but thats just not the case, i think she was just grumpy because her bowl was empty.

I'll tell you what's really handy.
Hands.

If I got a point for everytime someone asked me if I've got a Tesco Club card.....hold on....

BBC NEWS - RBS boss Stephen Hester announces losses of 3.6bn
Seems the only thing he hasn't lost is his virginity.

Owning brown towels is a nightmare, i mean you're never too sure which part is safe to wipe your face on.

Whats the difference between a wolf an a flea?
One howls on the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy.

I made a breakthrough today..
So I've stopped buying cheap toilet roll.

America observes 18th Take Your Child to Work Day.
While Indonesia celebrates its 1st Take Your Parent to Work Day.

My neighbor is blind, and talking to him not so long ago he told me that every now and again he receives cheques for his disability benefits through the post
He told me that as standard practice an envelope containing a cheque addressed to a blind person contains a piece of kitchen role, so the blind person recognises the texture, knows its a cheque, and takes it to the bank
This is when a lightbuld lit in my evil little mind
Not to make it too obvious that it was me, an envelope was delivered 6 months later through his door, inside was a strip of kitchen role and a piece of paper shaped exactly the same size as a cheque
I just wish I was there at the bank, when he handed it in, and the teller read what was written on it...
This Is a stick up!

Katie Price announces engagement to Leandro Penna - "Hes my special person"
So Harvey has a rival then?

Life is like a midget, it's short and really sad.

Dear LOL
Thanks for being there when I have nothing else to say.

My mate said to me, 'I've got Swine Flu, the Plague and Aids!'.
I said 'Dont give me that!'

I can hear this high frequency noise in my head.
My brain hertz.

People are often surprised by the sight of my naked body.
And it's not just because I'm in their child's wardrobe.

Kate McCann says their "Find Maddie" fund is running dry
Quite the opposite of Maddie in a way

I am still searching for the answer in life we have all desired since childhood, but does anyone actually know.
How much was that doggy in the Window?