America observes 18th Take Your Child to Work Day.
While Indonesia celebrates its 1st Take Your Parent to Work Day.

I made a breakthrough today..
So I've stopped buying cheap toilet roll.

Whats the difference between a wolf an a flea?
One howls on the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy.

I cannot go to sleep when the bedroom cupboard
door's left open. It's not fair on my wife. She deserves
some privacy in there too.

I put together a punchline, a bit of set up and threw in some misdirection in the mix and was horribly disappointed with what I was left with.
It was a complete joke.

What is big, white and full of my juice?
My fridge.

I spent an hour in the cinema yesterday walking past young kids and I got kicked out for no apparent reason.
All I was doing was pretending to be on the phone saying "Yeah, i can't BELIEVE they killed harry!".

I'm the kind of guy that likes to tease his house plants by watering them with ice cubes.

For my work, I do all the motorway line markings. You know, just your standard middle of the road job.

I've decided to invade Madeira - piece of cake...

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours... If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you've set it free..... You either married it or gave birth to it.

SKY NEWS - Obama To Make First Official Visit To Oz.
Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion are stepping up security at the Emerald Palace.

Every day at about 3:30 pm I get an odd squeak in my the back of my car, but a Happy Meal seems to shut it up.

An attractive girl in work asked me if I would mind having a look at her flaps.
I wish I was a gynaecologist rather than an aeroplane designer.

The wife and I have just had a baby, I heard her talking to her friend today in the Lounge.
She said,"Last night, he got up at 12am as he wanted some food and then he was up again at 2am because he had wet himself. Next thing you know at 4am he is up crying his eyes out! I must have got 30 minutes sleep and through all that, the baby didn't get up once."

What do you call a cowboy with no money?
Skint Eastwood

I've just invented the cold air balloon.
I don't think it's going to take off.

Hundreds stuck in snow on A9.
Never play Battleships outdoors using people...

This is a message to all american rappers...
This Shawty you mention in every single song seems to be sleeping around with every other rapper
I thought i'd mention it because i wouldnt like to see you get your heart broken
Kindest Regards
xkombatxwombatx

Irishman walks past a bakers.. sees a sign in the window.........." CHEESE ROLLS two for a 1...
He walks in and I see you've two cheese rolls for a 1.. How much for one?
The girl says 75p.
Paddy says, "I'll have the other one then"

My nan asked me to clean out her garage while she went on holiday.
She'll be well pleased when she gets back, I got 800 for the lot.

Not everyone can catch Malaria.
There's only Girls Allowed.

The devil makes work for idle hands. Unlike the job centre.

I wish people would stop all these jokes about the fattest woman in Britain dying. It's bad enough my wife's dead but to find out she was married to several other men as well is just torture.

What do you call 4 Black Guys crossing Abbey Road?
The Dung Beatles.