What do you call 4 Black Guys crossing Abbey Road?
The Dung Beatles.

I don't like jokes with number punchlines.
They're not four me.

Just seen an online poll asking 'who is your favourite x-factor contestant ever?' It's a two horse race for me,between Leona Lewis and Stacey Solomon.

You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans.

I was going to do Philosophy as a Major.
But I couldn't find the uniform.

"These roast potatoes are lovely," said my sister-in-law, "How do get them so crunchy?"
"I always use beef dripping," I replied.
"What!" she spluttered, spitting out potato, "You know I'm a strict vegetarian!"
"Don't panic," I laughed, "I'm only winding you up."
"You swine," she said, looking relieved, "You had me going there!"
"I know. You should have seen your face! ... Beef dripping indeed," I replied, shaking my head, "I use lard really."

My wife has completely lost her sense of taste.
It's brilliant. I can put as much chilli powder as I want in her food and the first thing she knows about it is the terrible ring sting the next day.

I left my wife because she complained that I do stuff without thinking it through.

I got fired, and I'm being taken to court, just for falling asleep once on the job.
I don't see a point in co pilots if I'm honest.

Avoid those latency notices. Read the jokes when the Sickipedians are either at the pub or at school.

I usually buy my little brother a Christmas present that I will secretly enjoy as well, like Lego.
So this year I've bought him a shirt which is one size too small

The other day my friend asked me if he should be a Stand-Up Comedian.
I said: "No, you should be a Black Man instead."
"Why?" he replied.
"Because you steal all your jokes."

My wife's resting in peace.
Which is why this prank involving a bucket of water and a foghorn is going to be hilarious.

I bought one of those music games for my PS3 this morning, but the guitar they supplied is tiny.
I knew I shouldn't have got "Beadle's Rock Band."

You think you're going to say something that can make me laugh?
You must be joking.

Just walked into a library and asked for a book on impotence. Nothing happens in the end.

What's white and sticky?
Peter Crouch

What's Brown and sticky?
The Prime Minister and his situation.

I've recently started a really difficult job in the North Pole where I'm having to work my socks off.
My feet are freezing.

i just found out my this beautiful woman i was going to ask out had previuosly been a man.
I mean I'm all up for trying new stuff, but i can't deal with the fact that she can down a pint faster than me.

Anyone else think that the Scottish Widow blatantly murdered her husband?

After years of searching i found my real dad using the internet , this week we finally spoke on the phone, He said he would like to see more of me,
so ive sent him some naked photos.

When I told my family I wanted to be a stand up comedian they all burst out laughing. I thought well at least its a step in the right direction

My mums into role reversal,
she puts the ham on the outside

As a london police officer, If I see anybody dealing or taking drugs in a public place I'll nick em.
Saves me having to pay for them I suppose.