When I told my family I wanted to be a stand up comedian they all burst out laughing. I thought well at least its a step in the right direction

My mums into role reversal,
she puts the ham on the outside

As a london police officer, If I see anybody dealing or taking drugs in a public place I'll nick em.
Saves me having to pay for them I suppose.

My son brought home his school report.
It said, "It is unfortunate that Daniel sets himself such low standards. It is even more unfortunate that he consistently fails to achieve them."

You know that there is something really wrong with your life when the high point of your day is seeing that your joke has made it to the "hot jokes of the day" list.

I love grooming young children.
They're always well behaved and they show good manners when they come to my salon for a haircut.

Adding a joke to Sickipedia is like having a baby..
Everybody can see it until it gets buried.

After years of searching i found my real dad using the internet , this week we finally spoke on the phone, He said he would like to see more of me,
so ive sent him some naked photos.

Anyone else think that the Scottish Widow blatantly murdered her husband?

i just found out my this beautiful woman i was going to ask out had previuosly been a man.
I mean I'm all up for trying new stuff, but i can't deal with the fact that she can down a pint faster than me.

What's Brown and sticky?
The Prime Minister and his situation.

What's white and sticky?
Peter Crouch

Just walked into a library and asked for a book on impotence. Nothing happens in the end.

I always confuse the words exotic and erotic.......Which just made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

The Sun; Britain Faces Crisis.
I thought, what? Are we running out of faces?

Pretend that you've got a toothbrush and in your hand, and then brush your tongue.

I went on a guided tour of an organic pesticide factory and all I got was this lousey T-shirt.

I've been struggling to find work for six months.
I knew I should never have opened that camouflage shop.

What can Skittles do that Men can't?
come in 5 different flavours

I was sitting in a pub up in Scotland and a man bursts through the door and exclaims
"A just had me first bairn! and its a wee lad!"
and people well congratulating him and buying him drinks and one man in the corner shouts out
"so whit ye gunna call yer son?"
to which the man replies
"Nathan"
the man in the corner is shocked by this and says
"ye canny call a child nathan! ye gotta give him a name!"

Tip of the day.
Two pieces of penne pasta stuck together make ideal binoculars for your pet Hamster.

I've been meeting up with an old Time Travelling colleague of mine, but now it's just getting boring.
All he want's to do is reminisce about the future

Someone put a penguin wrapper in my lunch box today.
They must have thought it was funny.

So a crab walks sideways into a bar.
Two hours later, it walks out straight.

My iTunes just took 12 minutes to start up...Must be a record...I'l Google it.
"Quickest opening time for iTunes"