Anyone else think that the Scottish Widow blatantly murdered her husband?

i just found out my this beautiful woman i was going to ask out had previuosly been a man.
I mean I'm all up for trying new stuff, but i can't deal with the fact that she can down a pint faster than me.

What's Brown and sticky?
The Prime Minister and his situation.

What's white and sticky?
Peter Crouch

Just walked into a library and asked for a book on impotence. Nothing happens in the end.

The Sun; Britain Faces Crisis.
I thought, what? Are we running out of faces?

I always confuse the words exotic and erotic.......Which just made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

those "how to lose 35lbs in 4 weeks" ads are great. not only can you lose weight, but also get your tattoos removed AND become hispanic. brilliant

I was beaten up by a 7, 9 and 11 year old last night. I've decided it's time to get even.

Shame Clacton beach has lost its blue flag. They pulled out a big brown floater Monday Aug 17th.
RIP Stella Ankabi.

And I accuse you of being the first letter of the alphabet,
exhibit... a

People always tell me to stop laughing at my own jokes.
Little do they know...

A man walks in to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter, he says; "What can you recommend for a headache?".
The man behind the counter says "Smash your head against a wall".

I got home last night from work and there was my wife, looking in her purse and seperating all her coins and putting them into neat little piles.
At that moment it hit me, my wife was going through the change.

I'm not insecure, am I?

I've been struggling to find work for six months.
I knew I should never have opened that camouflage shop.

Pretend that you've got a toothbrush and in your hand, and then brush your tongue.

Long reach staplers.
Why can't you just move closer?

The Post Office said that before they took any action, they wanted evidence that the postman was taking a shortcut across my garden.
Well, they've got it now. They said someone will be around soon to remove his body from the sharpened bamboo pit.

So it's perfectly acceptable for me to come home to find my wife wandering around the house in a pair of my shorts and a t-shirt, but as soon as it's the other way round, suddenly ''We need to talk".

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost.

I hate people who can't tell jokes, hence my low self-esteem.

So a crab walks sideways into a bar.
Two hours later, it walks out straight.

Anyone know the name of the French inventor of beach footwear?
Philippe Phlp

You know what? I miss all the dead baby jokes. I reckon they went before their time.