My boss said I shouldn't have come into work today because I was a bit under the weather.
To be fair, I'm airline pilot and should've been 16,000ft above it.

The Post Office said that before they took any action, they wanted evidence that the postman was taking a shortcut across my garden.
Well, they've got it now. They said someone will be around soon to remove his body from the sharpened bamboo pit.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost.

Anyone know the name of the French inventor of beach footwear?
Philippe Phlp

You know what? I miss all the dead baby jokes. I reckon they went before their time.

I hate people who can't tell jokes, hence my low self-esteem.

So it's perfectly acceptable for me to come home to find my wife wandering around the house in a pair of my shorts and a t-shirt, but as soon as it's the other way round, suddenly ''We need to talk".

I had some Coco Pops this morning and I think the milk was funny.
Well, I'd not heard the joke before.

In preparation for 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

I came up with a great letter-based joke.
My mate reckons I should post it.

The postman handed me a letter this morning and said "I've spent twenty minutes trying to find your house, just so I could give you this letter!"
I said, "you should have just posted it."

A man walks into a library and asks if a book on virgins has arrived. Librarian: no we havent had any yet. Man: yeah that's the one

Have you seen the new promotion at Tesco's, if you buy a box of washing powder you get free Marie Clare.
Next thing they will be giving a way a box of tampons if you buy an iron.

My nan doesn't get the knock knock joke at all,
Me - "Knock Knock"
Nan - "Come in,"
So i explained that she has to answer the door, so second time round,
Me - "Knock Knock"
Nan - "I'm just coming dear, "

Dear Children
When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when you find me.
Sincerely The Bogeyman

"There's no room for racism in snooker", say the men who get more points for shooting the black!

I stopped by and seen my mother for the first time in a year since she kicked me out. I bought her some flowers, then told her since I missed mothers day, I wanted her to relax, get some rest, and whether she liked it or not I'm moving back home for good now...
as I slammed shut the casket.

Cleaning the house today took hours.
Man hoovering sucks.

We all got together today to give Eric his leaving card after 30 years of working for the Royal Mail.
Not bad... He only retired 6 months ago.

I tried playing football manager today, but I found it far too unrealistic.....
I mean, Wigan with a full stadium?

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they're on tiptoes - then they're unherd.

"Security camera footage released by police shows two men in crisp suits entering Graff Diamonds' flagship store Thursday afternoon."
Surely two blokes dressed in bags of salt n vinegar and cheese and onion must have raised a few eyebrows?

Finally!! Right, let's go and put Baby in a corner.....

My girlfriend says she cheated on me because I procrastinate too much.
She'll pay for this someday.

I posed naked for a magazine yesterday. It was very demeaning and I've been banned from going near that newsagency again.