Is it just me, or does Andrew Lloyd Webber resemble a spitting image of Cat in the Hat..

Whats the difference between a taxi driver and a potential rapist?
Nothing

Database latency too high
Sickipedia appears to have lost connection to the database.
Predictably.
There are 786 of you not looking at this joke.

I was gonna post a joke about something that made me smile last week, but couldn't log on.
Oh well, it'll have probably been buried by now anyway.

"Security camera footage released by police shows two men in crisp suits entering Graff Diamonds' flagship store Thursday afternoon."
Surely two blokes dressed in bags of salt n vinegar and cheese and onion must have raised a few eyebrows?

Finally!! Right, let's go and put Baby in a corner.....

I posed naked for a magazine yesterday. It was very demeaning and I've been banned from going near that newsagency again.

The wife went out for five minutes to talk to a delivery man.
She came back half an hour later and said "doesn't time fly when your talking?"
Not when your're talking to me it doesn't!

What is the difference between the McCann household and an Ann Summers party?
At an Ann Summers party, all the toys get played with.

The drunk rushed up the stairs to the fifth floor of a building and threw himself out of a window. Not surprisingly, a crowd gathered around him as he lay on the pavement.
A policeman dashed to the spot and knelt beside the man, 'What happened?'
'Don't ask me,' said the drunk. 'I only just got here myself.'

What have my daughter and my garden got in common?
Both have a great place for my dog to bury his bone.

Just found out why the phone company '3' is called just that.
Its the number of Satisfied customers they have.

I lost control of the car earlier and ploughed into two people polishing their car.
I think I've really hit the buffers this time.

"inhalation causes dangerous intoxication"
Ronseal, does exactly what it says on the tin.

There's nothing I enjoy more than violently pulling donkey's tails.
I get a real kick out of it.

I hate it when a good joke is ruined by stupid speeling mistakes.

I failed my driving test for the fourth time today...
...or as the Police prefer to call it... The "Breathalyser".

My girlfriend left me today. She said i'm too much of a pushover.
Thought it was a bit harsh. I was born with one leg.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
If i saw a deer with no eyes, I would probably call it nothing since the poor, disfigured animal would probably in some sort of pain or discomfort and so subsequently, I would call the RSPCA as they would be much better equipped and experienced to deal with a blind deer, especially when compared with oneself.

A man walks into a pole.
"Patrz gdzie idziesz, ty pieprzony idiota"

There is no such thing as automatic doors.
Just gentleman ninjas.

Just because people laugh at your jokes doesn't necessarily mean you're funny Justin Lee Collins
It could be the fact that you're ugly.

My jokes are like golden showers. Probably inappropriate for children, but fun to share with them, all the same.

When my satellite dish stopped working, I used a bin lid instead. Now I get nothing but rubbish

Apple phone call...
Apple: Hey Microsoft. It feels good to have a working operating system. *yawns*
Microsoft: Oh so you managed to call back then?
Apple: