I went into greggs the other day and the woman said to me " you can have two sausge rolls for a pound" ok well I don't really need two so how much is it for one "75p" well I'll have the 25p one please.

One of life's little conundrum's.
Why does the hardest man in the pub always have the most gorgeous daughter?

"Two Blacks don't make a White"
Doesn't stop them from trying though.

I remember when I was kidnapped when I was a child, my parents snapped into action.
They rented my room out.

Got sent a text that said "gnikniht" I thought "that's just backwards thinking"

I Thought I'd get a nice framed picture of the twins for my wife's birthday.
Turns out she doesn't share my admiration for the Kray's.

I thought after about a 5 year ban I could apply for my license back.
Turns out, they're pretty intolerant when it comes to gun crime and shooting sprees.

With 149 days until Christmas,Harrods and Selfridges launched their earliest ever Christmas displays today................ Which reminds me,i must get my Christmas cards sent out this weekend,so that the Royal Mail get them there on time.

I put a "Beware of the dog." Sticker on my mother inlaws bedroom door.
She sarcastically said " Ha ha, very funny."
And it was funny as she then entered the room to be mauled by the rottweiler I put in there.

News: Australian Surfer "Torn Apart" in Horrific Shark Attack.
Friends pulled his body from the water - and that's not even the half of it.

As we approached the lion enclosure the Warden on the gate waved for me to stop the car.
"Is that your daughter?" he asked.
"Yes, and I know what you're going to say," I replied, "But she's only five. If I don't raise her car seat a bit, she can't see the animals. She's strapped in and everything."
He didn't look convinced, "Just take the car seat off the roof rack and put her back inside the car."

What's Pink and Hairy and sticks out of your Pyjama's?
Your Head.

Facebook is down...
Now how else am i ment to publish sickipedian's jokes, and take all credit for them.

I ordered "The girls of Ryanair" 2010 cabin crew calendar today.
It was advertised on the Ryanair website for a tenner, but after adding the hidden 'leap year tax', selecting the 'in colour' option, and paying online using a credit card, it ended up costing me almost 150 quid.

I love this new 'Original Author' thing.
its added such a variation to the kinds of jokes people post, often leaving the punchline in that very box

What do a paedeatrician and an angry person have in common.
They both have little patience.

"Child migrant detention attacked"
Clearly the dog ate his homework.

This joke doesn't really have a terrible rating. It's just every time it gets to 70, I go prestige.

Just because people laugh at your jokes doesn't necessarily mean you're funny Justin Lee Collins
It could be the fact that you're ugly.

My jokes are like golden showers. Probably inappropriate for children, but fun to share with them, all the same.

When my satellite dish stopped working, I used a bin lid instead. Now I get nothing but rubbish

Carlsberg don't make a decent beer. If they did, I wouldn't drink Stella and the wife wouldn't be nursing two black eyes this morning.....
....Probably.

'Ribery to undergo surgery on troublesome knee'
I think facial reconstruction would be more beneficial.

Apple phone call...
Apple: Hey Microsoft. It feels good to have a working operating system. *yawns*
Microsoft: Oh so you managed to call back then?
Apple:

I love to see the children running around in the park, shouting.
They don't know I'm firing blanks.