If you borrow something from twins, do you write them an IOW?

What kind of music does a archaeologist listen to?
Rock.

I was away on business with a female colleague and we ended up doing something stupid and irresponsible that we deeply regretted in the morning.
We both had drinks and a snack from the mini-bar.

My girlfriend and me have been rowing about how 'opinionated' I am. What she doesn't get is that, I'm not opinionated.
I'm right.

Jazz always reminds me of the time I kicked a one man band down a flight of stairs!

ELECTRIC HEATERS
Because sometimes you want your room to be warm and smell of burning dust

It's been in the news recently that Steve Jobs has taken time off from his job at Apple to recover from being ill.
He's got iCancer.

What's the difference between my wife and my Playstation?
My Playstation is turned on most evenings.

An old man walks into a pub, he goes to the bar.
He orders a beer. The bartender gives it to him and says :"three pounds, please"
The old man stands up, goes to the right end of the bar and put a pound on it, then he walks to the left end of the bar and also put a pound on it. He gets back to the center of the bar and puts the final pound in front of his beer. The bartender is quite angry but he can't refuse the money. The old man drinks his beer and walks away
On the next day, he comes back, orders a beer and pays the same way. The bartender is getting more and more angry. For a week, the old man keeps coming and paying in this odd way.
A day, when he wants to pay, the old man notices he only got a five-pound note. He gives it to the bartender, who is ready to take his revenge : He gives the beer, goes to the left end of the bar, puts a pound, then to the right end and puts the second pound. He goes back to the old man with a big smile on his face.
The old man doesn't move, drinks his beer, takes his wallet. He takes a pound, puts it in front of him and says : "I'll have another beer, please".

Heard victoria beckham gave birth,
Do you think it was a natural birth or did
She regurgitate it whilst trying to chuck up her breakfast?

I once got locked up for stabbing a paragraph.
It was a lengthy sentence.

I wish Hula Hoops had age categories on them so I could still fit them around my enlarged 19 year old fingers.

In hot jokes today by fyffes;
Sickipedians,
Patiently awaiting the next celebrity death since March 2009.
In light of the sudden death of Danny La Rue I would like to update everyone;
Sickipedians, patiently awaiting the next celebrity death since March 2009.

If only Sickipedia had a penny every time somebody mashed F5...
They could launch a takeover bid for Google and replace all search results with Sickipedia jokes. Oh, and possibly buy a new server.

Haringey Council apparently sent a foster child to live with airline bomb plotter Ahmed Ali and his family in Walthamstow.
That's appalling. Fancy sending a child to live in Walthanmstow!

My girlfriend just described my posting of jokes on sickipedia
as a 'healthy phase'.
I never realised that over time and with the experience of living
with me it was possible to set the bar so low.

I've been having some trouble with my server today, he still refuses to bring me my slippers.

I just love how as soon as we read the story about Tiger Woods crashing, our immediate thought wouldn't be:
"Oh god, I hope he's alright",
but:
"Oh god...
...I HAVE to get to Sickipedia!"

I've just been sacked for reading out Sickipedia jokes at work.
My boss should lighten up a bit, I mean the kids didn't mind.

If you are bored on a plane, try pressing your face against the window, pumping your arms in a running motion and bouncing on the seat to simulate running on the clouds.
Don't do it whilst on the runway though, or it'll look like somebizarre attempt to escape the plane through osmosis.

I was in a comedy club and a female comedian approached me and said, "Will you compare?"
I said, "Of course............... you're like a male comedian, but less funny."

Whats better than falling asleep at the wheel?
Waking up in hospital unscathed but being told your wife didn't survive.

I heard that drinking alone is bad.
So I got a cat.

Look! A stealth bomber!
Where!?

Why did the chicken end up on the same side of the road?
He was double-crossed by the lollypop lady.