The Romans were the first to build roads in Britain.
And the first to breed chickens on the less desirable side of those roads.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

Looking back on it...
ti

Why do egyptian girls take the pill?
So they don't turn into mummies.

Next time someone compliments you why not bring the conversation to your level by replying with:
"Aww, much like an abused child, I'm touched"

I fell down a small man-made waterfall recently and felt weir'd for days.

My wife said she wanted to put something special on tonight.
I suggested the oven.

I've just watched the first ball in the ashes.
I love tea-bagging my nans urn.

I got booed off stage the other day when I told a joke about blacks being thieves...
...People just don't like observational comedy anymore.

You know its a joke on here when it starts with ''I was talking to a girl....''.

I got attacked by a swarm of bees.
They stole my Nectar card.

old macdonald had no lips
mmmm mmmm
mmmm mmmm
mmmm

What do you get siamese twins as the perfect birthday present?
Swingball.

Darwin: 'Survival of the fittest'.
Also applicable to girlfriends.

If you ever say you're going to do some stand-up comedy, you'll find that all your friends, your family and your work colleagues will be really keen to come along. "I'd love to come to that!" they'll say.
Before you get a warm glow inside and think of how popular you are, remember one thing:
People only went to see Evel Knievel to see if he crashed and died.

Some of my mates have accused my of being insensitive.
I can't really blame them, some of my jokes at work go down like a building full of screaming Americans on 9/11.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne drops keep falling on my head...

I bought a Boa Constrictor and it's really taken to my wife...
Got a real crush on her.

What does an experienced rapist & a good punchline have in common?
You never see them coming.

What do you call a depressed Inuit?
An Eskimo.

Have fun taking advantage of good samaritans, yell "Stop, that rapist is trying to get away, don't let him get on that train" when you see someone running towards a train.

What's the difference between FML and sickipedia?
At least there's a chance the things said on sickipedia are true.

watching your kids being born is so overwhelming, but nothing compares to the feeling of your first joke being posted on sickipedia

Lawrence next door sadly died this evening after tripping and falling into his burning bonfire.
His wife has made a brief statement saying that he was a wonderful guy

I'm going to an auction this weekend.
I'm hoping to get something for my wife.
I'd be happy with a tenner.