A guy came up to me after a stand up gig I did.
He said, "Hey you stole my joke."
I said, "No I didn't..."
He said, "Yes you did, you stole my joke"
I said "Search me."
He did, and he found it. I guess the joke was on me.

Intelligence agencies have learnt of a possible attack on the tiddlywinks world championships..........
Counter terrorist police have been put on stand by.

I've just started my own online business.............
I steal washing!

What do you call a Scottish coat hanger attendant?
Angus Mecoatup.

My mate is really irritating- instead of facing his problems, he just hides from them.
His name is Wally.

Two goldfish are swimming around their bowl discussing some of life's important issues.
One goldfish says to the other, "Do you believe in God?"
"Of course, I do!" his pal says. "Who do you think changes the water?"

I've just invented an Internet service for tall people and giants.
It's called Wi-Fi-Fo-Fum.

My nan used to say "If you eat the crusts of the bread it will make your hair go curly."
She wasn't wrong. I cannot for the life of me straighten my pubic hair.

There are 37 things I hate in this world; jokes that don't make any logical sense.

After months being depressed, my doctor advised me to spend time with people that would be good for my self esteem.
I've just got the job of driving the Sunshine Bus.

As the plane lurched violently, I screamed out, "Oh my God! We're all going to die!"
The guy next to me said, "Pull yourself together man.. That's no way to act."
"You're right," I apologised, before switching on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain speaking.... We're all going to die!"

Just been to the pound shop, pregnancy test kits next to condoms. Confidence inspiring.

Due to the rising prices of everyday items, iv had to milk my cereal for every penny.

Alan Hansen once famously quoted that you "won't win anything with kids."
Well, I beg to differ Alan, as my Best Young Goats in Show medal will testify.

Climbing to the summit of Mount Everest was the highest point in my life.
It all went downhill from there.

I remember my girlfriend looking up at me, as I stuck it in for the first time; pumping away, trying not to get too excited while a man watched us through a window.
Filling up fuel for the first time was quite the experience.

I've had one of those Saniflo toilets installed and I can thoroughly recommend them.
The wife isn't so sure though. She thinks it looks out of place in the dining room.

With his trousers down round his ankles he said.. "Look, They're small, smelly, and this one no longer stands up on command"
.... "Sargent, when I asked how your privates were doing, that's not exactly what I had in mind.."

I saw a homeless guy selling magazines. He had tied them to a post to stop thieves from taking them.
I thought, "that guy has trussed issues"

"Have you given any more thought about kids?" my wife asked me.
"Yes I have actually," I replied.
"Brilliant!" she said, "So what do you think?"
"I reckon they'll be OK for another half an hour. Pint or half?"

My wife left me because of my obession with Queen,
Another one bites the dust.

What is the point of BBC researchers, if I have to think of questions to ask them?

A Native American child walks to his Native American dad and asks him "Dad, why is my younger brother called Full Moon Rising?", where he replies, "That's because when I was making love to your mother, the moon was rising, so we called him that". The child then asks "And why is my sister called Sleeping Wolf?".
"That's because I was making love with your mother in a forest when we saw a wolf sleeping. Why are you asking these questions, Two Dogs Humping?"

In primary school I was taught that it was harder to put things up than to get them down.
The only conclusion I can come to is that the teacher had an erectile dysfunction.

I decided to take the bus this morning.......... The driver left the keys in the ignition when he went to the toilet.