My 13 year old son decided to get his lip pierced without my permission today.
He went behind my back while I was casting my pole.

I just opened an engineering workshop in Texas. I can't believe my luck in discovering oil on my first day.
My machines have never ran so smooth.

I just made myself a cup of tea.
It's not everybody's cup of tea.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink while he waits for the punchline.

Do you ever get that Sunday night feeling? The feeling of dread and hatred towards everything and anything?
I believe the medical term is 'hungover'...

What did the talking hat say to the scarf?
"You can hang around. I'll just go on ahead."

Quit my job as a Glazier the other day.
A customer told me I make a better door than a window.

My mate just gave me a humbug , it was a bitter sweet to swallow.

some dwarf started on me in the pub earlier for absoloutly no reason at all.
so I squared up to him to show I was the bigger man.

As the plane lurched violently, I screamed out, "Oh my God! We're all going to die!"
The guy next to me said, "Pull yourself together man.. That's no way to act."
"You're right," I apologised, before switching on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain speaking.... We're all going to die!"

Just been to the pound shop, pregnancy test kits next to condoms. Confidence inspiring.

Due to the rising prices of everyday items, iv had to milk my cereal for every penny.

Alan Hansen once famously quoted that you "won't win anything with kids."
Well, I beg to differ Alan, as my Best Young Goats in Show medal will testify.

Climbing to the summit of Mount Everest was the highest point in my life.
It all went downhill from there.

I remember my girlfriend looking up at me, as I stuck it in for the first time; pumping away, trying not to get too excited while a man watched us through a window.
Filling up fuel for the first time was quite the experience.

I've had one of those Saniflo toilets installed and I can thoroughly recommend them.
The wife isn't so sure though. She thinks it looks out of place in the dining room.

With his trousers down round his ankles he said.. "Look, They're small, smelly, and this one no longer stands up on command"
.... "Sargent, when I asked how your privates were doing, that's not exactly what I had in mind.."

I saw a homeless guy selling magazines. He had tied them to a post to stop thieves from taking them.
I thought, "that guy has trussed issues"

"Have you given any more thought about kids?" my wife asked me.
"Yes I have actually," I replied.
"Brilliant!" she said, "So what do you think?"
"I reckon they'll be OK for another half an hour. Pint or half?"

My wife left me because of my obession with Queen,
Another one bites the dust.

What is the point of BBC researchers, if I have to think of questions to ask them?

After months being depressed, my doctor advised me to spend time with people that would be good for my self esteem.
I've just got the job of driving the Sunshine Bus.

A Native American child walks to his Native American dad and asks him "Dad, why is my younger brother called Full Moon Rising?", where he replies, "That's because when I was making love to your mother, the moon was rising, so we called him that". The child then asks "And why is my sister called Sleeping Wolf?".
"That's because I was making love with your mother in a forest when we saw a wolf sleeping. Why are you asking these questions, Two Dogs Humping?"

what did wayne rooney get on his final exam paper
dribble

They say time is the best healer...
Try saying that to a chronophobic