I hear Germany is busy invading a deserted Poland as we speak.
Carlsberg don't do Oppurtunities

You know what really gets on my nerves?
Skin.

Little lad asks his grandma how old she is, being a bit of a wise old owl she replies "To find that out sonny, you'll have to cut me open and count the rings."
Turns out she was only 1.

Getting old is a bit like getting drunk; everyone else looks brilliant.

My teenage daughter was always telling me how she thought "No-one cared about her".
I proved her wrong though, I put her into a care home.

I was watching this Horrific program about Murders, Drugs, Ruined Weddings and Suicide the other day.
I believe it was called Eastenders

"Sale - All Stock Must Go!"
Well done, you are a shop - that is what you're meant to do.

I read in the Daily Mail today that policemen are no longer allowed to say "Sure as eggs is eggs," in case it offends women with fertility problems.
Am I the only one who thinks that any woman that gets offended by that shouldn't be allowed to have children anyway?

Set up:
(Insert comment about something you did with your girlfriend here.)
Punchline:
(Allude to your girlfriend being under 16 here.)
or:
(Allude to your girlfriend being Madeline McCann here.)
Repeat.

I bought a Fonz robot this morning.
It runs on AAAAA batteries.

I'm a bomb disposal expert.
They go in the grey, non recycling bins.

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

What's the best thing about owning a round bed?
You can do a lap of honor when you finish.

Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting stupid.

Why do women make sandwiches?
Because they're bread for it.

I got chatting to this girl in the library. We seemed to have quite a lot in common so after about five minutes I decided to go for it.
I whispered to her, "Do you fancy going somewhere a bit noisier?"

My wife said that she was in need of some TLC.
So I took her up a ladder and suplexed her through a table.

My missus keeps going on about this LCD solar calculator she's had since her school days, she can't believe it still works perfectly after all these years.
I told her to put it where the sun doesn't shine.

A CIA spy is on his first day scouting Moscow. Fluent in Russian, he is confident of blending into the crowd. First, he stops at a store to get an apple. The lady there gives him a big smile, "Morning Mr American, how can I help you?" Shocked, he quietly buys an apple. Next stop, an old lady on a park bench. "Morning ma'am, can I have the time please?" "Sure, Mr American, it's 9.15." He's really worried. Is his disguise that thin? He meets a cop and asks directions. Having received the usual "Certainly Mr American, it's the third block on your left," he asks, "Excuse me, how do you know I'm from the US?" "That's easy," replies the policeman, "you're black."

My overweight daughter insisted on entering a Beauty pageant and in the end came home with a '' Miss Understanding'' ribbon and a book on weight loss.

I never tell observational jokes.
I don't like to discriminate against the blind.

Dear ITV,
I have had a brilliant idea for a TV show while I was at a friends barbeque watching the England v Germany game.
The ITV could do a program for every time England need to do a squad selection for a football game.
It would be exactly the same format as the current ITV show Take me outbut with a twist, the twist is the public could vote for what players they actually want to see playing for England.
Kind regards,
Theo Walcott.

I was playing golf yesterday when i got a phonecall off the wife saying that my father had just died. I said this ones for pa"

if i could write you a song to make you fall in love i wouldn't have to put rohypnol into your wine

When i asked my American friend about his new trousers,he said "they're pants" i said "well why did you buy them?"