Sometimes i wish i'd taken the time to learn french when i was younger.
Such is life.

Haribo......
Providing paedo's a jaunty theme tune since 1920.

my only goal in life is to own my own pub and call it "The Go-Go Gadget Arms"

The convenient store is closed.
How convenient

He who hesitates is always walking right in front of me.

Because of the heat this summer, I've got a lot of bites on my legs...
Maybe I should stop pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van.

People often tell me I'm very presumptuous.
I think you know where I'm going with this...

Sometimes, in my free time, I like to take a biro with me to a restaurant and draw inverted comma's around random ingredients on the menu.

My mate bought an empty swimming baths for 100 grand, and since then he's had a broken leg, a broken arm, 3 broken fingers, a broken toe and now he's got a fractured scull.
It's his own fault for throwing himself in at the deep end.

Introducing the new fragrance from Calven klein, guaranteed to leave women powerless to resist.
Rape - for men

like all honest, hardworking people nowadays...
Im white.

What do you get when you cross McDonalds with autism?
Asburger's.

A father is a man with pictures in his wallet where he used to keep his money when he was single

I'm surrounded by preserved vegetables in jars.
It's like Piccalilli Circus round here.

I seriously hate stubbornness
And nothing you can say will change my mind!

I got home from work today and my wife was sitting in the lounge almost asleep.
"What's up love? Tired?" I asked.
"Knackered," she replied, "How could you tell?"
"Well, the baby's in the back garden and you're breastfeeding the dog."

Just been down the arcades.
Four quid for a go in an electric chair!
Shocking...

Big fights between Irish and Polish. I guess they'll be on seperate flights back to Glasgow?

My missus hated stubble, so before a family dinner on her birthday I totally clean-shaved. At dinner I announced, "Hey, I shaved completely for you for your birthday." And she replied, in front of my Dad, "Oooh, me too!"

My nephew was reading The Beano the other day, when suddenly he asked me "What did people wear during the Great Fire of London?"
I replied that, since this was shortly after the English Restoration, the majority of the city's male residents would have worn breeches and ribbon, while their female counterparts would have opted for corsets and petticoats.
The answer was 'Blazers'.

What is white, red and silver?
An Emo teenager's wrist.

I want my wife to divorce me so I'm going to gradually remove all the flooring in our house until she can't stand it.
My logic is floorless.

I read my star sign today and it read ''Today, you'll be a winner''
So I picked a fight with a four year old.

What did Big Ben say to the leaning tower of Pisa?
"I've got the time if you've got the inclination"

My friend: 'If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm gonna leave my job'.
Me: 'Why, what did he say?'
My friend: 'You're fired'.