Want to be the first woman in the White House?
I'm sure the kitchen has an opening...

I'm guessing they tried to kill Joss Stone with scissors. Everyone knows you need paper to beat Stone.

It's Bill Withers birthday today.
I, for one, hope he has a lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I just started 'following' justin bieber....with a knife in my hand

My parents had strange views when it came to dogs
they said we could get a puppy and if we didn't like it we can just abandon it,
my foster parents however...

It's good to see sickipedia is really enforcing the one joke per hour rule.
By making sure that it takes over an hour to upload two lines of text.

Recreate the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken.

I can't wait for the war in Afghanistan to end.
I want to see the winning killcam.

After four months of destryoing the re-occuring spider web on my car, I give up. This brave spider has earned the right to live inside my car mirror; unlike 50,000 people in the UK called Mohammed.

Four humans and a Muslim walked into a premature punch line.

Politically I'm far left.
But my jokes are only ever far right.

When my uncle died, I had him rapped in copper wire and buried in a magnetic coffin under a wind turbine.
He must be spinning in his grave.

A good friend of mine has just been on holiday & he was showing me some slides he brought back last night.
I said, "We do have playgrounds in Britain you know."

A man walked in to a Catholic Church, dying for a drink. He desperately ran over to the Holy Water and began to drink. Almost immediately, the man began to choke, and spat the water back out.
A Catholic Priest, baffled, stormed over to the man and asked him what the matter was.
"This water is disgusting!", the man yelled, "What's wrong with it?!"
The Catholic Priest, slightly insulted, took a step back.
"It's about seven years old, why are you doing that?!"
To which the man replied,
"I could be asking you the same thing!"

There's this woman running havoc by stealing people's body parts.
I can't take my eyes off her.

My girlfriend gave birth to our beautiful healthy baby boy today.
He has my nose, eyes, ears and mouth.
I've never been so happy.
But ofcourse being a fan of Sickipedia I immediately screamed
"DUPLICATE!"

What gets wetter the more it dries?
The curtain next to my bed.

Hard on + Beer = Fat bird.

No Bandwagons
No Duplicates
Just Offending Americans
Calrsberg Don't Do Jokes...

How about you give me the ipad , then ill do ur survey

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket!"

I've never really had the chance to say this often, so this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this.

Son: "Dad, why do people keep asking me for directions?"
Dad: "I haven't the slightest idea Tom Tom.

Lidl are giving their shoppers a 5 off voucher if they spend 30 or more at their stores.
I have to say though, if I was prepared to buy the whole store, I would expect a bit of a discount.

Sometimes I like to go swinging. It's one of the best ways to pull children... Then push them. Then pull them again.