What do I and Mascara have in common?
We both give my wife long lasting lashes

Gravity is very humbling.
It really helps to keep your feet on the ground.

As a rule at my Newsagents.
I don't serve Bus drivers who don't have the right change.

What do you call a broken Boomerang?
A stick.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never really on your side.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"
The barman asks, "What did you say that for?"
The man replies, "I heard it in a joke once."

Note to everyone, never confuse EDF with EDL.
I got a right strange quote for my electricity.

Speaking to the wife last night I said "Honey, I've got some really good news, honestly you'll love it... And some bad news..."
"Erm... Okay. The good news first" She replied.
"Well, the good news is that we have just received one hundred thousand pounds" I said.
"What?! Wow! Oh my god. What's the bad news then?" She asked unable to contain her excitement.
"Your Mum's dead. She left it in her will..."

My Indian neighbour made the most delicious curry...
...and tomorrow I'll have the rest of him in a sandwich.

Woke up feeling tired this morning, went and got on the bus took my seat and nodded off. I was woken to loads of people shouting and screaming.
I hate my job as a bus driver

Got deepthroat off a Thai hooker last night
Sorry, that was a cheap gag.

Sickipedia Top Tip:
Just because you own baby oil, does not give you the right to rub babies.

How is it that you're allowed to make a Facebook group "I like to stand in the shower forever because i like hot water", but you aren't allowed to say "I like to stand in the local playground forever because i like small children"?

I bought some black face paint before. It's really convincing.
As soon as i put it on I lost my job and I'm in court this Wednesday.

I got kicked out of my own wifes funeral yesterday.
Apparently dressing myself and the kids up as Kool and the Gang and singing "Celebrate good times" is cruel and unacceptable.

I work at the yellow line factory.
It pays well but you can't park anywhere near it.

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"We're here to spread the word of..."
"No."

I've started sewing small magnets into my wife's clothes.
Now I don't have to lie when she asks if she's attractive.

Ifyou'rehappyandyouknowit,shareyourmeds.

Teacher - What is Specificity?
Pupil - It's hard to say..

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
16F...
or
546K

What's the difference between men and women?
One gets morning sickness, the other gets morning stiffness.
What do they have in common?
Neither of them care about the other's problem.

What is the most popular food in Africa?
Dirty water.

I Moustache You A Question, But I'll Shave It For Later.

A clich walks into a bar...