My daughters a really good screw.
Yes, she's been a prison officer for five years now.

Why do women have larger hips than men?
To balance the washing basket on.

Among my friends, I'm considered the "joker" of the pack.
Which basically means I'm not needed and left out.

My mother-in-law had just died and my wife gave me the job of deciding what was on the food table after the funeral. I am now divorced as apparently, "Celebrations" are not the appropriate chocolates to have.

I gave this dyslexic girl a facial the other day.
Afterwards I told her "you're the stupidest girl I've ever come across".

Jokes are like catholic choir boys - its hard to find one that hasn't been done.

"Hi my name's Jim and I'm an alcoholic."
"Thanks for sharing that with us Jim. Although I think I preferred it when i just knew you as plain old Mr Duncan." I turned to the aenethetist, "Is it too late to request a different neurosurgeon?"

The foot.
A part of the body that allows you to find an upturned plug in the dark.

What do you call a man who states the obvious?
A man who states the obvious.

I put my wife's comedy poster up backwards, she didn't see the funny side of it.

No bandwagons, libelous statements, correct spelling, search for keywords (which doesn't come up with anything but it still gets removed as a dupe when it scores high enough) and nothing too sick.
It's easier to post a letter than a joke on here.

My wife came home from work and I said, "Nice day?"
She said, "It was pretty weird. People kept giving me funny looks"
I said, "Really, how strange? Maybe it's to do with the mirror I broke this morning?"
She said, "You mean ... the bad luck?"
I said, "No, because you weren't able to see the Hitler moustache I drew on your face while you were sleeping"

What's full of whites, and ruined by a black?
My washing.

There is a slight potential flaw in simply dropping a noticably bulky envelope into a post box, clearly addressed to "cash for gold".
...It is akin to the three kings strapping the gold to a donkey and leaving, hoping it manages to travel on its own in the rough direction of Bethlehem.

When my Nephew grows up he wants to be an accountant, so for his birthday I bought him a great big bag of receipts.
I said to him, "dont worry if you dont like them, i've kept all the presents"

What do you call all the best jokers on Sickipedia?
British.

Holding the 2011 census form in my hands, i was considering throwing it in the bin. But then i changed my mind, and decided to be a better person, and a responsible member of society.
I put it in the recycling instead.

I'm no brain surgeon,
which is why I was escorted from the scene of the accident in handcuffs.

So this morning I went to my allotment to check on my vegetables and what not, when I realised half of the soil was missing, I was utterly shocked, so I went home and checked back later only to find even more has gone missing.
I think I'm losing the plot.

New gadget for Asylum seekers from Apple
The iD

Just been to see Postman Pat doing Stand Up.
His material was a bit thin but the delivery was good.

A woman walks into a bar and ruins the joke.

Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide.

A bear walks into a bar in Alaska. "Give me a ... ... beer," he says.
"Sure, but why the big pause?" asks the barman.
"That's my mum's head you've got on the wall," he replies.

Caveman jokes never worked:
"Knock! Knock!"
"Come in, it's open."