BBC news: "Blackbeard scuppers his own ship for the insurance, burning it down to ashes"
Arrrrrrson.

My jokes are like my kids....
Everyone knows that I stole them from someone else.

Well, there's always one place it'll be a White Christmas.
My socks.

My wife caught me pleasuring myself in the kitchen earlier.
I was spitting into her Mum's cup of tea.

My mates just given me a packet of Ultravox crisps.
They taste like 'nothing to me'

I was going to post a joke but I ran out of stamps.

People have always told me that I shouldn't make sweeping statements but..
I find it easier to tilt the dustpan when sweeping up, if you tilt the pan back just in time, you'll catch all the dust.

I'm fluent in three languages.
English, sarcasm and profanity.

Two friends finish studying at university and meet up in their hometown for a drink one night to catch up, talk about their experiences at university and where they think they'll go next in life.
One says "I've got this Business degree now, but I'm not so sure what to do. What type of work do you think I should go into?"
"I reckon you could go into Accountancy, I hear that it pays well these days" says the other.
Both continue to talk about Accountancy and other options the first could take for a while until other friend says to him,
"Well, I've got myself a Sociology degree and I'm also not so sure about what I want to do with it. What do you reckon I should go into?"
"Oh, with a Sociology degree?" he responds,
"Probably the Job Centre"

I am currently living just under the poverty line.
Well, in a sewer beneath the Benefits office.

Its Christmas and at this time of year we should think about the homeless and those less fortunate............... Anything to cheer you up while the pubs are closed.

The other day, my mate told me that joke:
"How do you fit 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender!
How do you get them out again? Doritos!"
I thought:
"Great, now how am I supposed to eat doritos and salsa again without feeling slightly aroused?!"

"I'll rub, and then you squirt" I said to my wife in the bedroom last night,
we had the polishing done in no time.

A mitochondria walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says "That'll be ATP please."

I put the ___ in lazy.

I broke the news to my wife this morning that her mum and dad died in a car crash last night, she's been crying all morning.
Personally, I think its the best april fools I've ever done

Just saw my female friend post this as her statement...
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him!!
I'm sure all of us guys can agree that its a perfectly effective method to accomplish the fitting of a lightbulb...

Guess what I did when I went out for a leisurely stroll through Tehran city centre earlier today?
I ran.

People say I'm a bit of a joke killer.
But surely if someone knocks on your door you ask them to come in ?

What do you get when you cross Michael Schumacher and Stephen Hawking?
Scalextric.

I baked a meat pie the other day and then travelled with it to Milton Keynes, Birmingham and Lambeth,
because my old maths teacher always used to tell me to take pie to three dismal places..

I phoned up the local garage from my hospital bed and told the owner that the reason I was in hospital was the total incompetence of his staff and their inability to fix a minor fault that resulted in the brakes on my car failing completely.
"I suppose you're going to sue me?" he asked.
"Christ no!" I replied, "I want to know if I can book the wife's car in next week."

I went to a forger's house the other day. Everything he had was fake.
Not even the Werther's were original.

What do you call an Arab who campaigns for adolescents?
A pro-teen sheikh.

Nothing says "My life is over" like getting your all important 5th and final star on your McDonald's name tag.