Last night my entire Microsoft Office crashed!
I can't put into Word how angry I am....!

I used to have my own fruit stand but it kept getting knocked over by 1970s police chases.

Right , I'm off to the ITV studios .
I'm gonna be the first one in line for tomorrow's one night stand with pixie Lott.

Googled Sickipedia and this is what I found:
Database Latency too High.

Like most people my height,
I'm bored of people re-wording other peoples jokes.

I just posted a joke and a minute later pressed refresh to see how it was doing.
But I was unable to do so as apparently there were 814 people looking at it.
Didn't realise I was so popular.

I decided to play a practical joke on the wife earlier but she didn't see the funny side when I wired up the front door to the power supply.
She completely flew off the handle.

The council sent me a disabled badge today.
I sent it back and asked for one that actually works.

My wife tells me I don't understand pausing
for effect.

I was arrested after smearing somebody's luggage with Vaseline.
The police dropped the case.

If the last few days have proven one thing,
it's that Sickipedia's server is run by postmen.

Oh no!
Oh no!
OH NO!
I've been sacked from my town crier job!

I always make an effort to treat my step-son in exactly the same way as a I treat my real son.
I haven't got one, so I ignore him.

Top tip: A ladder, turned upside-down, can be used for climbing down off things.

My youngest said to me earlier, "Daddy.. If you weren't married to Mummy, would you marry me?"
"Of course not. That just wouldn't be right," I replied.
I always knew he was a little poof.

My girlfriend sent me a text saying: "You're overly obsessive."
At 22:12:53, (GMT+1).

I'm not arrogant.
I'm actually just better than everybody else.

The film "The Social Network" is doing worse than expected at the box office.
Well, duh, maybe it's because we're all at home jerking around on some stupid website.

What's big, red and white?
English land-fill.

My wife told me I was having a 'mid-life crisis' earlier.
I nearly fell out my Subaru.

When originally entered, the joke was:

Why didn't the atheist cross the road?
There's no such thing as the other side

My girlfriend asked, "Why don't you ever get my jokes about your laziness?"
I said, "Get them yourself"

If I ever got arrested I'd use my one phone call to phone the police station and tell them I'd planted a bomb there. That'll show 'em.

Integration.
The only problem nerds struggle with.