Came downstairs Sunday morning and the wife was doing breakfast in her slippers
I thought, must save up and get a pan

10,000 pubs have disappeared in the UK since the smoking ban.
Well if there's no smoke, it must have all been done with mirrors.

I was walking through town yesterday when a bloke asked me if I wanted a balloon for my daughter.
I said, "No, but you can have her for your watch."

I went out with one of Sickipedia's top users last night.
I said to him; "Give us your best gag then."
So he wrapped my entire head in gaffa tape!

WHERE IS THE NEAREST LIBRARY TO THE ERSKINE BRIDGE?
It may be the only library on earth that hands out the book we have all been looking for.

British Taxi Driver 12 - 10 Israeli Commando Force
Match abandoned due to suicide.
Pools panel result - Home win.

I don't know if you have ever read 'The Killing Joke' by Anthony Horowitz but essentially the book is about a man who after hearing a sick joke becomes obsessed by it and begins a long journey to discover its origin.
Could have saved him two weeks of his life by saying www.sickipedia.org

Seen today in Dewsbury Moor felt-penned in large letters over a non-functioning toilet bowl somewhat overflowing with solids:
"WHO SAYS THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH?"

My nephew convinced my mother-in-law that the "L" hand sign on the forehead meant "I love you".
I just can't bring myself to ruin his joke.

Sky News: E-mails sent to Firm's Dublin's offices asking them to "rate female workers".
They think that's bad, wait to they find out about the typo.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on how to fake your own death.
The librarian says; "Sorry, Im afraid it was checked out on the 25th of June by a monkey and we havent seen it since."

Well it looks like if we want a new server we're going to have to buy our own jokes back in book and t-shirt form.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Librarian walk into a bar.
The barman looks at the Librarian and says, "I think you're in the wrong joke!"

A dog goes into a bar, walks up to the barman and says "alright mate, pint please."
The barman says "WOW! That's amazing! Stay there, I have to show you to my friend."
The dog replies "Why, does he need a plumber?"

Man walks into Library and asks for a book on Anti-perspirant.
Librarian says ''Sure''

I wonder if mothers make 'Your son' jokes?

Pirates used to be intimidating until they entered the DVD-copying business.

I was in the pub last night. An arms dealer I know was sat at the bar, when, in walked a thalidomide.
I thought, "Can't wait for these two to get into a conversation."

I think a plane propeller is only there to keep the pilot cool.
Want proof? Stop the propeller and watch the pilot start to sweat.

I was given tablets to help me stop being immature.
The packet said "69 tablets for oral use only."
I'm still immature.

I think I have spent too much time on this site.
I wasn't on time for a meeting today and when I got there I apologised for my latency

My motto is 'Never explain, Never apologize'
I'm sorry, that's just the way it is.

I've just had a slogan for long-life low energy lightbulbs accepted by an advertising agency:
"They'll blow as often as your wife does"

BBC news: "Man killed by overturned lorry, carrying thousands of swiss watches"
Bad times...

The Sickipedia home page is a lot like people from around the world.
On the western side, they are witty and intelligent but there aren't many, whereas in eastern side, they are churning out new ones every second and wanting to move west.