What's a Sickipedian's favourite form of transport?
A band-wagon.

In just two days time,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

My wife can only plan 7 days ahead.
She's week minded.

Typical! Less than a day after I have won the Zimbabwean lottery someone robbed my bank account!

It's a good job Dr. Seuss didn't actually have an MD:
"Today, we'll be performing a vivisection of your erection for detection of infection in connection with erection imperfection".

That's me banned from all the comedy shows at the Edinburgh fringe. Apparently heckling is tolerated, but shouting " Duplicate" is not.

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes.
They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high."

An old couple were in a restaurant and the old man placed order for one hamburger, chips and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the chips, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered .... (wait for it) .... 'THE TEETH.'

I've always seen the colour red as implying some kind of urgency....... However this theory doesn't seem to apply to the Royal Mail.

Ironic isn't it that a band can be called One Direction when all the members go both ways.

There are two secrets to life, let me tell you what they are.
1. Don't tell anyone everything you know...

A man manages to tunnel his way out of prison and emerges in a school playground.
"I'm free, I'm free" he proclaims.
"So what" says a little girl "I'm four"

What do you get when you cross a Bridge with a Zebra?
Stared at.

Just been watching Cash in the Attic.
My wife hate's my country music DVD's, so it's the only place I can watch him in peace.

When my wife said my life was a joke I couldn't stand to be anywhere near her.
So I picked up my chicken and crossed the road.

According to my wife i base my whole life on cartoons.
Fortunately my kids ed, edd, and eddy disagree.

So I was watching TV and this advert about compensation for accidents that weren't your fault came on.
And there was a woman who slipped and broke her back or something who was trying to claim compensation. So I thought to myself, "She can't possibly claim compensation. Firstly, she is a woman, and secondly, its her own fault for leaving the kitchen."

Those Chinese swimmers have come on leaps and bounds since Morecambe Bay 2004!

What did the frog do when he broke down on the motorway?
He got toad away.

Lescott is to be the driving force in the England defence.
I'm not surprised with half a dashboard in his head.

A drunk driver is dangerous, everyone knows that.
But so is a drunk back seat driver, if he's persuasive.
"Dude make a left!"
"Those are trees..."
"Trust me."

People think that I'm a good mind-reader.

What do you call a spastic in a pile of leaves?
Russell.

You know you're getting old when halfway through masturbating your screensaver activates.

Back in the day, Josef Fritzl was quite a young handsome looking fellow, it was a case of locking up your daughters.