A yank walks into a bar and walks straight out again!
It was a salad bar.

People in a small town believe that the landlord of the local pub is the strongest bloke they have ever seen. They are so sure of this that they offer a challenge to anyone who wants to try it. The challenge is that the landlord gets a lemon and squeezes all of the juice out of it. Anyone who can squeeze even one more drop of juice wins 1000.
Over the years many people try it, from lorry drivers to weight lifters, all of them failing.
One day a little old man comes into the pub and asks if he can have a try. After the laughter subsides, the landlord gets a lemon, squeezes the juice out and hands the remains to the man.
Amazingly, he manages to squeeze four more drops out. Astonished, the landlord hands him the money and asks, "What do you do for a living?"
To which the old man replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue."

Walking my dog this morning. My dog does a number two in the street, I walk past it as if nothings happened.
"Oi!" A man shouted "You got to pick that up and put it in a bag. It's filthy that is."
Poor thing almost suffocated.

will say I'm SO sorry in advance, but I had to.......
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !
And the baby broom is a half cast, haha

I told my son to stand up to bullies.
They still beat him up though, his jokes were terrible.

My gran is donating her body to medical science....
She's hoping it will help provide a breakthrough in nanatechnology.

I just saw a condom for gingers, although it's inflatable and appears to be shaped like a doll.

Apple is bringing out a new phone for less appealing people.
It's called the iSore

The school Career's Advisor asked me to call him regarding my teenage son.
"Frankly," he said, "Your son is rude, churlish, vacant with an intelligence level bordering on moronic. On the rare occasions that I can extract a response from him, inevitably it is monosyllabic..... We think he has a great future ahead of him selling trainers in Sports Direct."

Why's Sickipedia like the toilet bowl?
You should never show your girlfriend what you've contributed.

Police think they have found the car that was used in the murder of Milly Dowler in 2002.
I wonder if my CDs are still inside?

I threw a stone at a duck and it tried to fly out of the way,
Why didn't it just lower its head?

Stop
Stop
Stop
Stop
Stop
Spammer Time!

I had to do a speech about time wasting.
It lasted seven hours.

My girlfriend thinks that her head is too cone-shaped.
She has a point.

SUN NEWSPAPER: WHSmith has sparked outrage by selling a graphic manual on suicide (priced 11.99).
Sod paying for that.
I'll get it from the library instead.

Why did the American cross the road?
To steal oil from the other side.

I went out for a few beers with my mates one Friday night and didn't get back until the next Tuesday.
When I arrived home my wife was really upset.
It can't have been me who upset her, I wasn't even there.

My wife said that she wanted a chat, so I agreed to sit down with her for an hour.
She started going on about how 'sickipedia' is taking over my life.
I said "Slow down there, tiger. You've got another 57 minutes yet.

A lot of people think I make up all my wordplay jokes myself but I actually have a team of comedians, writers and researchers helping me out.
Oh yes, I have a punning clan.

SickiLeaks - people copying our jokes and putting them as their Facebook status and playing along as if they made them up since 2006

I had a good clear out in the attic yesterday.
No toilet paper up there though.

Paddy: Hey Murphy, do you like Eminem?
Murphy: What, the chocolate?
Paddy: No, the rapper.
Murphy: What's so good about M&M's wrapper?

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend.
He had a real one.