My wife left me because I "never stand up for myself..."
...fair enough.

It's not the destination, it's the journey... Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

The author of the Windows file copy dialogue visits some friends:
I'm just outside town, so I should be there in fifteen minutes.
Actually it's looking more like 6 days.
No, wait, thirty seconds.

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.
When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'It could have been worse.'"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in that bed!"

According to recent statistics, over one billion people in the world live in poverty.
Must be a nice place to live, seeing as it's so popular. I wonder where it is.

Bloke pulls his car up to the kerb, opens the door and says to the young lad walking home alone, "Hey kid, if I give you a 1 will you come in my car?"
Kid says "You could give me a Tenner, still won't get in the Skoda, Dad!"

What did one DNA say to another?
Do these genes make me look too fat?

I love my six-pack.
It's no wonder I protect it with a thick layer of fat.

Just got my results from E-Harmony.. They matched me with a computer chair and a tub of Vaseline.

I like to keep my jokes Original.
Werther's you like it or not.

When I was younger, my parents didn't want me to get a tattoo. My mum said, "If you decide to get a tattoo, make sure you get it in a place that doesn't matter"
So I did, in Preston.

How many of you have had that awkward moment when you have to pretend to be amused by your mates 'Wicked new joke' that you actually read on Sickipedia over a month ago...?

My mate Dean has a terrible stutter. Every time he introduces himself it's like Match of the Day is starting.

Has anyone else noticed that, if you have a job, you actually don't have time to make up anagram jokes?

I'm going to change my name to Simon, then everyone has to do as I say.

I got a joke from Orange Plus on my phone today.
"What's a pirates favourite subject?
Arrrrrrt!"
They seriously need to get on to this website.

Did you hear about the chicken that got further than the other side?
It was beyond a joke.

"Help me!" screamed the woman in the burning building "I'm going to have to jump."
"What did you say?" I shouted back as she plunged to earth.
"Help me!" she screamed again.
"What?" I asked again.
There wasn't time for her to reply as she landed in a crumpled heap beside me.
"Sorry" I said, " I didn't quite catch you there"

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "alright. Get in."

Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Little John to bring him his bow. He put the arrow to the bow and aimed through the open window into the generous green sward of Sherwood Forest beyond which he loved so much. He asked of Friar Tuck, "Promise me that wherever the arrow falls, there you will bury me." And when Tuck had sworn, Robin Hood demanded the same of the others. Then with his last strength he drew on The bow and let the arrow fly.
And then he died, smiling. And next day, they did as they had promised, they buried Robin Hood....... on top of his wardrobe.

Man: ily
Woman: Awww write the words in full they mean more when theyre written properly
Man: Im leaving you

The Met Office is predicting that next summer will be hotter and drier than average.
Unfortunately, they are also predicting that next summer will be in 2019.

You know sickipedia has turned into a cult when you have to be a regular user to get the jokes.

Sir Alex Ferguson has just announced that to help reduce the number of duplicate jokes on Sickipedia he will no longer be playing Giggs in August.

First day on the new job and I wanted to impress, so I wore my best suit and designer shoes.
The Foreman guessed that I'd never worked on a building site before.