With Sickipedia's new scoring system you've got to think - what's the point?

My mates all say I'm a bit of a pub scarecrow.
I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

Sickipedia- Promoting safety on the railways since 2009

Stephen Gateley died as a result of a conversation between God and Michael Jackson in heaven.
When asked if there was anything he would like in his new pad Jacko replied, "A little boy zone!"

My secretary just entered my office and said: 'We got a letter again from our office in the Sahara. They're writing that they have a very serious water shortage'
'Well', I said, 'there's always a water shortage there - it can't be that urgent'
'I think it's urgent this time', my secretary said, 'the stamp is put on the envelope with a paperclip...'

Finally my coffee has arrived, despite not being what I ordered.
Still... better latte than never.

Mon, Tues, Wednes, Thurs, Fri, Satur, Sun.
I'm taking the day off.

I bought one of those wind up radios today. I brought it home, turned it on and it kept telling me that Liverpool would win the Premiership.

Weirdest thing ever happened to me today,
I got on Sickipedia.

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

What is worse than getting stung by a bee?
Getting stung by 2 bees.
What is worse than getting stung by 2 bees?
9/11
What is worse than 9/11?
Getting stung by 3 bees

Three reasons to stand up:
1) To get the remote.
2) To go to the bathroom.
3) Because you're the real Slim Shady.

According to my wife, putting the wasp's nest inside the kid's pinata wasn't remotely funny.

Phil and some friends were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21", and there was a small uproar of laughter.
A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up.
Phil, confused about this, asked his friend, "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out?"
His friend said, "Well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number."
Phil said, "Can I try?"
His friend nodded and Phil called out, "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after.
"Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked.
His friend said with a small chuckle, "We haven't heard that one before."

As my wife pulled up and saw the 'Police Line do not cross' tape, she immediately burst into tears
Best 1.50 I've spent.

I have an imaginary dog which is cool because I can see it and no-one else can, bit like the opposite of a guide dog really.

BBC News : "Chickens die as lorry overturns"
Investigations into why the chickens were crossing the road have so far only drawn really bad punchlines.

I hated my first experience of skydiving.
I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me. Anyway, about halfway down he said, "So, how long have you been an instructor?"

I was in the pub when a guy called me a cheapskate.
So I threw his drink in his face.

My wife asked me, "What did you buy me for my birthday?"
"Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes over there?"
"Yes," she said happily.
"Well I bought you a toothbrush the same colour."

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

Arrogance isn't attractive.. But I am.

I came across this on Wikipedia before.
'This limb disfigurement article is a stub. You can help Wikipedia by
expanding it.'
Who said wikipedia has no sense of humour?

My wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing.
And they're off!

I was telling a funny gag in the the garden today, but the punchline was greeted with silence.
Later on, my brother told the same one in the lounge, and the room erupted with laughter.
I think it was an inside joke.